Monthly Archives: August 2011

Hi, how are you?

Are the news channels now talking about something other than the hurricane? If you experienced the hurricane, I hope you’re doing well. If you’re dealing with other issues in life, I also hope you’re doing well. If you’re dealing with issues and dealing with the hurricane, yes. Basically I hope everyone is doing well.

I have six minutes of battery left on the laptop. I got out of bed to write an e-mail to someone I think I did wrong. I don’t like feeling that I did wrong to anyone.

Anyway, with the remaining power, I thought I’d share a video from my new TV series. It’s not really a TV series. It’s only a TV series in my mind.

Spiderman lost his boot

by the Dinty Moore in the convenience store:

Dog days

Do you ever stop and think about the things that take up the majority of your time and energy and realize…I don’t care about these things at all? Do you ever think, if I never had to go to that job again or listen to that person or do that chore, I’d be fine. In fact, I’d be more satisfied with life?

Some of those thoughts occurred to me yesterday. Which, in turn, made me think, Okay. Then what do I want to devote my time and energy to?

I’ve been struggling with these sorts of questions for a long time, actually. I mean, I devoted a whole blog to them. And of course doing things you don’t want to do can sometimes have a positive influence. But yesterday I looked around me and I saw very little I feel passionate about. Which was really sobering.

So, I don’t know what I’m going to do. But I’ll do something. All I know is that I want to feel I’ve made a difference. I want to feel I’ve accomplished things that matter to me. I don’t need the whole world to think I’ve done anything worthwhile. I just need to feel that.

This slideshow of search and rescue dogs made me think about all of that, too. It may just be the photographer, but all of these dogs look wisened. Like they’ve seen things and done things. Things they care about.

Wardrobe malfunction

Today, in an underground subway passage, a woman said to me, “Excuse me, ma’am, your dress is riding up.”

No one’s ever said that to me!  I was grateful that she took the time to say something.  I often wonder if I’m the kind of person who takes the time to say things like that to strangers.  It can be a difficult thing, I think.  There’s no telling how a person will react.  It can shameful to hear from a stranger that they can see your underwear, or there’s toilet paper on your shoe, or some foreign matter is on your face.  Shame can lead people to react angrily.  Even violently.  And in New York I’ve learned that it’s wise to avoid angry, violent people.

I myself got angry when the woman told me about my dress.  I didn’t get angry at her, though.  I got angry at my place of employment because THEY are the ones who issued me the dress I was wearing.  Because of THEM I inadvertantly gave strangers a view of my upper thigh area.  They don’t pay me enough for that!

Actually, the static cling is mostly my own fault.  I don’t use dryer sheets.  I can’t afford that luxury right now.

I guess that’s all I wanted to say.  Here’s a picture of my uniform:

I love Hugh Jackman, but…

This looks like the silliest movie ever:

I can’t wait.

The. perfect. job. (For someone.)

Do you have 3-5 years of experience baking from scratch AND have the desire to live in Antarctica for 6 months?

Then this is the perfect job for you: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/fbh/2535316239.html

Job listings like that are so exciting to me.  You know that somewhere out there, someone is going to see that job posting and say, “Oh my God, this is exactly what I’ve been waiting for.  This. is. my. perfect. job.  This blends my lifelong dream to live in Antarctica with my lifelong passion for baking from scratch.  There is a God and God loves me and flowers and rainbows and kittens that can’t quite open their eyes.”

I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I didn’t repost that ad in attempt to bring that person and this job together.

Life, jobs, money, people: I’m so angry!

A lot of things are making me angry lately.  I don’t mind that.  They say anger can be a really great emotion: you’re angry, you figure why, and you do something about it.

But it’s that last step that I’m having trouble with.  I know the things that are making me angry, and I know why, but I can’t figure out how to effectively channel that into action.  Instead, I’m just left with the anger and the added frustration of feeling like I can’t do anything about it all.

I woke up just now at 4 p.m.  Not from a nap, but from a full’s night’s sleep.  That’s because my job sent me an e-mail giving me three days’ notice that they’d need me to temporarily work the overnight shift.  The full 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. shift.

That’s bullshit and I’m angry about it.  But really it’s just another thing in a looooong list of things they’ve done that’s made me realize: They don’t care about me at all.  They smile and say all these vague managerial things: “I’ll bring this up with corporate,” “Protocol,” “Blah blah blah.”

I’ve become terrified of certain managers.  They’re so entrenched in that corporate lingo, and customer service lingo, that I really think they’ve forgotten how to be a decent human being.  How to be a human being at all, really.

I didn’t mean to mention all that…but that is the main thing I’m angry about.  When you’re that angry about your job situation, one thing you can do to channel that anger is look for another job.  Which I’ve done a little bit.  But the one interview I’ve gone on so far?  Made me super angry!

The interview was days ago now.  And I’d been feeling strange about it for days, but I hadn’t been able to sort out all of the reasons why.  When I woke up just now, though, something occurred to me.

My interviewer, at one point, asked me something along the lines of, “So, would you be able to handle it when people are rude to you or disrespectful?  Because you just seem like a very sweet person.”

I wasn’t sure exactly how to answer that question at the time.  I wanted to say, “Well, yeah, I’m a sweet person.  But what does that have to do with being able to handle things?”

And I think that’s just it.  It makes me angry that she implied that a sweet disposition is an indicator of a weak person.  It’s not.  I am a sweet person, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not a strong person, too.

I think what’s really making me angry lately, when it gets down to the core, is realizing how much power and control a job, a boss, a work schedule can have over a person.  My life has been turned upside down because of the job I have right now.  I am a sweet person.  But walking out of work (at 7:30 a.m. because the person relieving me showed up a half hour late even though he lives two blocks away), I said to myself, out loud, “This job is making me an angry person.  It’s making me negative and jaded and it’s making me lose hope in humanity and my life.”

I know!  It’s dramatic.  But it’s absolutely how I feel.  I don’t want to lose my idealism and optimism.  I’m a romantic and a dreamer and I firmly believe that you should do what you’re passionate about in life–because that’s when you’ll be at your best.  I’ve been trying so hard to follow what I’m passionate about in life, but sometimes it’s not that easy.  Sometimes finding direction and knowing what the right steps are to take is the most difficult thing.  The signs just don’t come.

So you take a job you’re not excited about because you have to pay the bills, you have to feed yourself.

Anyway, I am angry.  But as of right now I’m still hopeful.  Even though I don’t have a clue what should be done.

August ‘Everlasting’

It’s not often that you pick up a book and the first paragraph speaks to your situation in time and space so exactly that it makes you take pause and say, “Wow. Yeah.” That’s what happened this afternoon when I opened ‘Tuck Everlasting’ and read this:

The first week of August hangs at the very top of summer, the top of the live-long year, like the highest seat of a Ferris wheel when it pauses in its turning. The weeks that come before are only a climb from balmy spring, and those that follow a drop to the chill of autumn, but the first week of August is motionless, and hot. It is curiously silent, too, with blank white dawns and glaring noons, and sunsets smeared with too much color. Often at night there is lightning, but it quivers all alone. There is no thunder, no relieving rain. These are strange and breathless days, the dog days, when people are led to do things they are sure to be sorry for after.

Isn’t that amazing? So beautiful and poetic and then it throws that provocative bit in at the end, so completely reeling you in. Somehow I never read this book up until now. And now I find myself with eight-hour shifts of work with very little to do. Which is nice.

That opening paragraph makes me wish I wasn’t in this crowded, urban place. Makes me wish I didn’t have the luxury of escaping into my apartment and turning on the A/C. That’s not the August that Natalie Babbitt is writing about.