Craigslist opportunity I’m crazy/bored/curious enough to pursue?

Hmmmmm…  I’m attending my father’s retirement party celebrating his nearly 40 years in the Air National Guard next week–it might be fun to spring a marriage to a random Army man on him.  No?

Looking for the Perfect Travel Companion (Anywhere)

Looking for a woman who wants to see the world. Must marry me temporarily. We’ll travel the world for a year plus, then get the marriage annulled. I’m a published author, looking to take advantage of my free travel with the army to inspire me for my next big work with a girl that’s up for a random and interesting trip.

Cheese Balls

"What could possibly have possessed you to place Tom Hanks' head next to a barrel of Cheese Balls?"

( I wanted to convey the relative size of the barrel, and Tom Hanks’ head seemed as good as any to do that.)  I’ve decided that Utz Potato Chips and Snacks are my favorite.  They remind me of fishing trips in the spring.  Half the time I’d just sit in the minivan rummaging through the cooler that did not contain the recently killed things wrapped in tin foil.  But I digress.  My barrel of Cheese Balls is 3/4 empty only 1/4 full.  It’s a sad day.  I fear my sodium intake might stay below 300% the recommended daily allowance.

It’s also a sad day because, along the same lines as the 2am ringing pay phone, I’m tired of finding exciting opportunities on  Craigslist, only to have these directors, producers, musicians write back saying, “Here are directions to my apartment.”  If you’re a sane, fully functioning human being, what are you doing inviting strangers to your apartment?  I only do that when I’ve been drinking.  Assuming these directors, producers, musicians do not intend to rape and kill the people they invite over for auditions, aren’t they worried that instead of the obviously awesome author of Madame Librarian’s blog, they will open the door and instead find…

Either Travis the Chimp or Sandra Herold?

Either Gary Busey or this chimp?

 

I ran out of chimps, so here's a wolf.

Two Sketchy Paragraphs, Four Stolen Images

My Bulgarian neighbor stopped by today.  He invited us for salad on Saturday.  He mentioned something about being too feminine the last time he knocked on the door (“so you probably didn’t hear”).  I told him that my passport is slated is to arrive by the end of the month, and he said something about kidnapping me for a trip (“don’t worry”) that I would return from.

Then I returned a call from this dude Peter who is auditioning singers for his rock and roll band.  Only when I asked how many people he’s auditioning it sort of sounded like it was just me.  Red flag?  I’m supposed to audition/jam with him on Saturday, which will interfere with the salad date with my Bulgarian friend, but I’ll probably flake out on the audition like I do with the majority of Craigslist opportunities that come my way.  Most Craigslist opportunities, let’s face it, should be flaked out on.  Especially when you’re as impulsive as I am about responding to posts.  And most especially when responding to posts finds you knocking on the apartment doors of strange Peters.

Is Joaquin Phoenix really retiring?

For the clean, conservative female (Elizabeth Hasselbeck?), a blogging gig: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/wri/961515316.html

Hasn’t it been established yet that Conservative Humor is an oxymoron?  And they want clean writing?  Absurd.  Everyone knows writing is supposed to be dirty.

Speaking of dirty writing, I watched Quills on hulu last week.  Kate Winslet makes me so happy:

Madeleine: If I wasn’t such a bad woman on the page, I couldn’t be such a good woman in life.

Geoffrey Rush...oddly sexy?

Tight T-Shirts, Celine Dion, and Chinatown

There’s a job on Craigslist for men that involves wearing tight t-shirts and handing out free Bon Bons to women.  I have the link if anyone is interested. 

Today a strange thing happened that was unexpected and awesome.  I’m not going to say what it was because that’s how wonderful it was.  But I will compare it to other things and maybe you’ll be able to guess.  For instance, this thing that happened was more beautiful than this:

More ripped than these:

Less Canadian than this:

And almost as exciting and homoerotic as this:

More action than I've gotten in awhile. Just sayin.

If you guess correctly I’ll give you free Bon Bons.  Probably while wearing a t-shirt of some kind.

Monday Musings

If you have a passport and have experienced jet lag, please apply for this: http://newyork.craigslist.org/jsy/etc/868462315.html

It’s a sleep study in which you get paid to fly to Paris.  All you have to do is spend one night in a New York sleep study clinic, then you fly to Paris, spend time in their sleep study clinic, and fly back. 

At some point in my life I’ll probably participate in a medical research study.  I applied for one a couple weeks ago that involved an MRI and a PET scan, but when they called to interview me it just didn’t work out.  Long story involving pesky intimate details. 

In other news, I’m concerned about Tom Brokaw moderating tomorrow night’s debate.  I find his voice distracting.  And as long as we’re on the topic, Charles Gibson is of concern, too.  I cannot take him seriously.  Thoughts, anyone?

Talkin bout my generation.

Nothing wrong with George Stephanopoulos

Best Job Ever?

It’s getting to the point where a job checking heads for lice doesn’t sound that bad.  But really, bugs that are that small don’t bother me.  I’d get to meet lots of miserable, itchy children.  Wear blue gloves all day.  It might be awesome.   Imagine being at the bar and being asked, “So, what do you do?”  Tell me I would not have the sexiest answer ever.

If Kathleen wasn’t taking a nap five feet away I probably would have called.  And probably would’ve regretted it immediately after.  What am I doing with my life.

Queens Says, “Take Your Dream House Elsewhere, Barbie.”

Starting to see a recurring theme in my posts: Craigslist. I’m becoming kind of a CL expert, especially when it comes to responding to jobs that I’m not qualified for at all. A week or two ago I responded to a post with the headline: “Talented Lyricist Needed For Off-Broadway Production.” They wanted a short bio explaining your theater and music experience along with two writing samples. So this is what I told them:

Interested Lyricist

Hello,

Hope to be considered for the lyricist gig. I’ve been involved in music and theater since I was young, including acting, singing, playwriting, and lyric writing. I’m also a poet and I contribute satirical rap lyrics to a music producer. I constantly change lyrics to popular songs so that they lend themselves to different situations.

Attached are two writing samples. If you’d like to see something else more in line with your project or listen to one of the rap songs let me know. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Maribeth

Everything I said is true, but notice how I make myself sound way more important than I actually am. That’s the key to getting people to write back. For instance, the “music producer” that I contribute satirical rap lyrics to? That’s just my friend who makes beats on his computer. And the whole, involved in music and theater “since I was young”…you can’t tell them that you’re not about to cash in on Social Security. Pretty obvious stuff, I guess.

Here are some of my favorite Craigslist headlines I’ve seen lately:

Double Dutch Instructor

I never learned how to double dutch. Those jump ropes looked so dangerous.

**Help Barbie Find Her Dream House**

This one offended me. You should definitely NOT help Barbie find her dream house. That girl needs to learn how to take care of herself, i.e., brush her own hair, pick out her own little outfits, and stop relying on pre-pubescent children to do it for her.

$80 Cash! + $30 Toy! + Pizza! For Warehouse Work Tomorrow!

I responded to this one, but they never called. And I’m really qualified, too! I’ve worked in two factories and on a tobacco farm. Look how sweet the $30 toy is.

 Oh well.  I would’ve had to trek to Park Slope, which would’ve been a pain.  Brooklyn thinks it is soooo cool.

Ode to Craigslist, Slow-Pitch Softball, and Corporate America

I love Craigslist.  It allows me to be so impulsive!  Like yesterday, I took a break from job searching and ventured into Activities.  By 5:30 I was in Harlem playing softball.  Isn’t it wonderful?

And this wasn’t your average softball.  This was some intense, playoff, CORPORATE AMERICA SOFTBALL. 

Free advertisement. Orange accounts are pretty sweet.

My team was made up of people from HarperCollins, the NY Post, Fox News (I know, I know), and our opponents were ING.  We lost. Those ING people play a mean slow-pitch.

I told my teammates about my unemployed status and one nice man took business card pity on me. So, I successfully networked via Craigslist. If that doesn’t deserve a sportsmanly bum slap, I don’t know what does.

Watch Me Tonight?

I’m glad the movie musical is making a comeback, but let’s get back to its roots.  I’m not talking Mamma Mia.  There will be no singing Pierce Brosnan in the film I’m referring to.  Forget Hairspray.  You will not be seeing Ricki Lake dancing or John Travolta in a dress.  Step away from all that 21^st Century silliness, and into Golden Age Hollywood. 

Okay, Love Me Tonight from 1932 is still pretty silly, but in a completely heartwarming, timeless, black & white film kind of way.  It comes from director Rouben Mamoulian who went on to direct the first Broadway runs of Oklahoma!, Porgy and Bess, and Carousel.  In Love Me Tonight, with French hottie Maurice Chevalier and blonde beauty Jeanette MacDonald, Mamoulian sets out to satirize the beloved movie musical.  The writers didn’t even bother coming up with different first names for Maurice and Jeanette.  And apparently no one told Jeanette that the whole bit was a spoof because you can just tell she’s taking the whole thing quite seriously. 

Maurice plays a Parisian tailor and Jeanette a princess.  The film is a fairy tale of sorts, making it easy to get swept away.  Maurice ends up at Jeanette’s castle after getting ripped off by her cousin.  And that’s when the whole mistaken identity thing begins.  Suddenly all the important people take Maurice the tailor for Maurice the baron.  So he sings and dances and they all fall in love with him, including prissy princess Jeanette.  A pretty run of the mill fairy tale, but it’s the songs by Rodgers and Hart that really wow, along with the performances by supporting actors Myrna Loy (her first “non-exotic” role) and comedian Charles Ruggles.  Be sure to watch out for Ruggles talking about his “flute” and dancing with 1 pound dumbbells.     

Reasons to watch: Mamoulian was one of the most innovative directors of his time.  You know how musicals integrate songs into the storyline so you don’t just have a random performance that’s really an excuse for men to stare at some pretty lady sing?  Yeah, that was Mamoulian.  He also said, hey, we should make the camera move and we should use more than one microphone.  Which are obviously terrible ideas.

Warnings: You will likely have the songs “Mimi” and “Isn’t It Romantic” stuck in your head for days, if not weeks.  Also, this film gets pretty risqué for the Hays Code era (see Will Hays left).  Not sure how Maurice taking a tape measure to Jeanette’s boobies got past the censors, but I’m not complaining!  They also end up in bed together via split screen action. 

Who to watch with: Well, I watched Love Me Tonight alone, but that’s just because I’m a terribly lonely woman who can’t find anyone to love and would rather spend the evening on the couch with her cats.  But in your case, watch it with a sense of humor and a lover.  Watch it with a deep appreciation for French men and silly situations.  If you can find a French man watch it with him.  If you do not know any French men, you can always put an ad out on Craigslist. 

Who not to watch with: Frat boys or anyone who takes themselves too seriously.  Or, on second thought, do watch it with them.  If any movie can free them from their “I’m too cool for movie musicals” delusions it’s Love Me Tonight.