Christmas Memories…

I need to thank Jesus.  Thank you for the whole manger, miracles, crucifixion thing, but THANK YOU for having me born into a family where my mom receives Predator on DVD from my dad and thinks it’s the best gift ever.  I thought she was being sarcastic when she unwrapped it and exclaimed “PREDATOR! THANK YOU!” but no.  We then proceeded to watch it and I thought, “I could be enduring some horrible, forced gathering of people who don’t like each other, but instead I’m drinking wine with crazy people who I love and listening to Arnold Schwartenegger and bad pussy jokes.” 

For the record, I think Arnold Schwartenegger is a terrifying human being ever since I watched Pumping Iron.  Also, the pussy jokes really are terrible (yes, I imdb’d Predator and went into Memorable Quotes just to look for the pussy jokes):

Hawkins: Hey Billy. Billy! The other day, I went up to my girlfriend, I said, “Y’know I’d like a little pussy”. She said, “Me too, mine’s as big as a house!”
[Billy stares blankly]
Hawkins: See, she, she wanted a little one ’cause hers was…
[Hawkins pauses, then trails off]
Hawkins: … big as a house.

Hawkins: Billy. Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, “Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy.” She said, “Why did you say that twice?” I said, “I didn’t.”
[Billy stares blankly]
Hawkins: See, cuz of the echo.

Other highlights: receiving Abba’s greatest hits (something about that Swedish pop), and a scarf that my parents found abandoned on a railing in one of the Smithsonian museums and decided to give to me. Apparently my dad tried to take it for himself, but my mom petitioned that it be given to me with a gift tag that read “From: ?” As I tried it on she said, “Don’t worry, I washed it.”

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6 responses to “Christmas Memories…

  1. I don’t know what it is with the parental units bearing XX chromosomes, and their innate appreciation for Arnie. The One That Brought Me Into This World simply adores “Kindergarten Cop.”

    I mean, I get the boy’s side of the appeal… bombs, beheadings, bullets. (My fave is “Total Recall.”)

    It’s one of those questions for the ages, I guess.

    Oh, and about that “found” gift you received – I had one of two closings in mind… this is the one I chose to go with:

    Can I borrow your scarf?

    (As ALF was apt to say, “Ha! I kill me!”)

  2. I often find myself wondering/worrying about Maria Shriver…

  3. What is it about the Governator that gives you the willies?

  4. Zoinks… in retrospect, how did he ever become so famous?

  5. Pingback: (The Inevitably Vagina-Related) Search Phrase Free Write! « Madame Librarian’s Blog

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