Hello, February–Don’t You Love Hangovers?

Isn't it terrifying?

Oh, hey!  It’s the last day of January!!  I’m not usually awake at this hour, but my roommate got a job and to celebrate we did what all employed people do–drank, danced, debauchered.  I scored a business card from a man named Angelo who is likely not the father of my future 14 children.  Woke up to eat a waffle, determine the level of my dehydration, and add Angelo on Facebook. 

You know what else happened last night? I was pooped on by a pigeon. For the first time ever! It really wasn’t surprising because I was walking underneath the above ground subway which is where loads of them sleep at night. There’s literally a carpet of pigeon droppings on the sidewalk beneath it. It happened to this middle aged guy who me and the roommate were hanging out with last weekend, but I didn’t know him very well so I didn’t tell him. Some landed on his face and dried there. I felt a little like a jerk for not informing him, but I was also jealous so it’s okay.

Here are some search terms used to find my blog that make up for the untimely death of Mr. Coffee:

Celine Dion t-shirts

My favorite Celine song is “Taking Chances.” I also enjoy that one that starts off “The whispers in the morning. Of lovers sleeping tight. Are rolling like thunder now.” She speaks my language, you know?

milf pixar

Bespectacled Aardvarks...every girls weakness.

Aardvarks are every girl's weakness.

I’m sexually attracted to lots of animated characters.  Bob the Builder. Patti Mayonnaise. Diego.  I just don’t remember many Pixar MILFs…I guess the kid’s mom from Toy Story was hot?

 

Keanu Reeves alcoholic

People are so mean to Keanu. 😦

back scratching chihuahua

That’s stupid.

dick embarresing

I don’t know how to spell, either.  Men who are illiterate are right up there with aardvarks.

פיונה אפל

A Google Images search concludes that that’s how you write “Fiona Apple” in…a language I’m not familiar with.

Tommy Lee Jones, Tommy Lee Jone, and Tomy Lee Jones are pretty popular, too.  Thank goodness my mom likes him.

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6 responses to “Hello, February–Don’t You Love Hangovers?

  1. Re: pigeon droppings… it is a sign of good luck, in case you didn’t know, to be pooped upon by winged creatures. I think they may say this solely so one does not feel too bad about it, but I was pooped upon once too, and… I don’t remember if I had any good luck, but I’m still here, so yay!

    Re: Celine Dion… you speak French Canadian?

    Re: MILF Pixar… EVE is sylish and quite a looker, but she has yet to create any offspring with WALL-E. Perhaps… the mom from The Incredibles… I hear she’s verrry flexible.

  2. Agreed about EVE. The cockroach in WALL-E was my favorite, though.

    I’ve got French Canadian ancestors, so Celine Dion is probably my second cousin or something.

    As far as the poop of winged creatures go, I’d say that that of pigeons brings the most luck, so I’m pretty excited.

    I like the Re:s. They make even the most obscure topics seem worthy of a serious discussion.

  3. I am SOOO torn here.

    Your admiration and attraction for aardvarks is absolutely amazing and admittedly second only to men who are illiterate.

    (Okay, so I tried the alliteration thing but it felt apart at the end)

    What I meant to say was you like men who are illiterate, yet you possess QUITE the sex-ay vocabulary.

    It’s ironic. It’s a quandary. It’s an enigma!! It’s enough to make my head explode.

    Did I mention I’m an aardvark who has never opened a book in his life? 😉

  4. Curious what you think about the treatment of your feathered friends in this Superbowl ad:

    http://superbowlads.fanhouse.com/quarter3/Cheetos-Gossip_Girl/2409743

  5. madamelibrarian

    Otto Mann–This is great news. Please find me on one of the many dating websites that I spend my meager wages on despite my paycheck-to-paycheck situation.

    sgottahurt–Hmm. I’m glad my feathered friends are being used to terrorize pink sweatsuit, silver booted, cell phone talking women. The “sky rat” reference was uncalled for. And what’s up with the pigeon thing that kisses the Cheetah? Why does he say, “Give daddy a kiss?” Doesn’t exactly make me hungry for their brand of neon orange cheese doodles…

  6. I saw a guy walking under a pelican get pooped on once, and it was about twenty feet in the air so I’m sure there was some real force behind it. I can’t see that as being lucky in the slightest.
    Good blog here, I love the way you write!

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