Solace For The Lonely Arizona Fan Left With Empty Beer Cans and Bowls Reeking of Dried Up Bleu Cheese Dip

I didn’t watch the Super Bowl last night. I was working, but even if I’d had the night off, I probably would’ve been re-watching my Kate & Leopold DVD or something (it’s been awhile). Still, I was halfheartedly rooting for the Cardinals for a couple of reasons.

They're red and they're gorgeous.

1. They're red and they're gorgeous.

Come on, it’s like the little red bird versus the big, bad Philadelphia steel industry. It would’ve been epic for the bird to win. Pigeons will always be my favorite, but the cardinal is probably the runner-up. I have one of those traumatic kindergarten memories of raising my hand during class. The question was “Can you name a bird?” (I’m guessing). And this was a huge deal because I was painfully shy growing up. But I guess at the time it seemed important to prove that I could, in fact, name a bird. Anyway, once called upon, I proudly named, “Cardinal.”  The teacher stared blankly at me and asked me to repeat. I repeated. She still didn’t understand. Something hits you to your core when you know the teacher is wrong and you’re right. Forget insubordination, fuck the possibility of afterschool detention–I KNOW THE CARDINAL IS A BIRD!  Finally some other in-the-cardinal-know classmate helped me out, but yeah. No wonder my participation grades were always “Satisfactory” or “Need For Improvement,” instead of “Great” or “Outstanding.” 

Second reason: members of the Arizona Cardinals crossed the street in front of me one time when they were practicing at Northern Arizona University. They held up traffic for a good five minutes. I was all like, “Hey, make like a cardinal and get the fuck outta the way.”

Still, instead of watching the hoards of muscular, pigskin-wielding men last night, I caught up with Friday night’s 20/20. Who needs a social life when you’ve got Martin Bashir and John Stossel?

Radar Magazine names #46 on its 100 Worst Places to Die list as “Easing into a hot tub with John Stossel”:

Agree to disagree.

Agree to disagree.

I was pretty excited about Martin Bashir’s investigation of “The Science of Seduction: Why Him? Why Her?,” but it didn’t end up being all that groundbreaking. I could’ve watched You’ve Got Mail! and come to the same conclusion: something is wrong with the dating game. Bashir interviewed a biological anthropologist who teamed up with to test theories she’s been developing in her meth lab. Bascially, she thinks people can be broken up into four basic personality types: Explorer, Director, Negotiator, or Builder. Explorers are drawn to explorers, builders to builders, BUT directors are drawn to negotiators and vice versa.

The investigation seemed pretty geared toward the upper middle class heterosexual yuppie types. Part 3 is worth watching, though–it’s all about arranged marriages and how successful they tend to be. Also, you have to register which is a pain, but you can take that doctor’s personality test here, and if you do, please share the findings. I’m primarily a Negotiator and secondarily an Explorer. Famous Negotiators include Oprah, Leo Tolstoy, Katie Holmes, Bill Clinton, Hillary Duff, Mohandas Gandhi, and Charles Darwin!

I now feel ready to meet my proverbial Tom Hanks on the proverbial Empire State Building. Wish me luck.

7 responses to “Solace For The Lonely Arizona Fan Left With Empty Beer Cans and Bowls Reeking of Dried Up Bleu Cheese Dip

  1. Wow. I am a director with some negotiator. I am attracted to negotiator/director.

  2. Cardinals are cool. Their college gets to pick the new pope when the old one dies.

  3. Talia–Thanks for sharing…I don’t know why I’m so intrigued by this thing. Turns out my roommate is the same combination as I am.

    Ahmnodt Heare–ahahah. Religious puns are immaculate conceptions of humor.

  4. I ended up being a Negotiator/Director.

    So I’m a little bit Priceline Shatner mixed with Spielberg in his E.T. days.

    (P.S. Is that a real picture of Stossel? If so, why did he let that happen? Being a journalist and getting caught in that kind of awkward situation is like a cardinal sin, right? <–see what I did there?)

  5. I should add that I’m supposed to be happiest with the director of this:

  6. I’m pretty sure they put John Stossel’s head on Mark McGrath’s body or maybe Andy Rooney’s?

    Negotiator/Director, eh? It’s probably for the best that our love lives aren’t dictated by 20/20 reports. I think I’m supposed to be looking for a Director/Explorer, but I can’t remember.

  7. 20/20 isn’t always clear then, I guess.

    Also, do you think Mark McGrath uses the same stylist for his hair, that Andy Rooney uses for his eyebrows? I’d bet on absolutely.

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