Valentine’s Day 2009: Confessions of a chocolate-eating, hulu-watching recluse

Suddenly I find myself overwhelmed, filled with things to discuss about tomorrow’s “holiday.”  When I was in elementary school I decided to make my own valentines for my classmates, only it ended up being really time-consuming and hard, so I didn’t make enough and then I got in trouble.  Alas, I’ve always been mediocre.

Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk about.  Actually, I wanted to talk about Marlene Dietrich, the Golden Age screen vixen.  Remember the beyond mediocre Witty Women daily calendar?  Well, today’s quote comes from her.  The first film I saw her in was 1932’s Blonde Venus.  I wasn’t planning on tracking down the clip, but it’s just so offensive and ridiculous that you kind of have to see it for yourself (especially the 2:30 mark).

But you can’t blame Marlene.  (Don’t you love that name?  The woman who trained me at McDonald’s had that name and she was mean and sexy with a Polish accent and she made me cry.)  Over the summer when I was interning at the Library of Congress I worked with a collection related to the Golden Age and part of the collection was a silver cigarette case that Marlene gave as a gift–it was inscribed with her signature.  It was pretty cool and that’s what Marlene means to me.  So here’s the quote:

It’s the friends that you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.

This quote doesn’t really apply to me…I’m usually still puttering around, wide awake at 4 a.m., but that’s good because it means that anyone can call me at that hour.  Therefore, I matter.  (It’s important for everyone to realize this with tomorrow being Valentine’s and everything.)  

While puttering around last night, I found myself on hulu.  Does anyone else do this?  You rent stuff from the library or the video store, but then you just queue up last night’s Conan or Moonstruck even though a Cher/Nicholas Cage romance doesn’t really do it for you.  So that was me.  I started watching Go.  I had just about come to terms with reuniting with Dawson’s Creek era Katie Holmes when an AXE commercial ruined everything.  I don’t know why I let myself get so distracted by bizarre advertisements.  AXE has been putting out sexist ads for years.  Shouldn’t be a surprise anymore.

It’s been on YouTube since September, but last night was the first time I saw it:

Mainly, I guess I’m just confused.  Yeah, women like chocolate.  But…I feel like I’d just get nauseated if my date reeked of it.  I’d rather receive some actual chocolate.  And enjoy the natural odor of my date.   But then again, I’m listening to my Celine Dion/Bryan Adams/Chicago station on Pandora and reclining on a camping cot in my living room, so what kind of authority am I?

Lastly, while I was watching Ellen yesterday (you’d think I have stay-at-home mom ambitions or something), Steve Harvey presented a theory from his new book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.  He said that employees at Ford Motors don’t receive benefits until they’ve put in 90 days, so women should likewise refrain from sleeping with men for at least 90 days into the relationship.  Wait before giving away “the greatest benefit of all.”  Don’t you find it funny?  You’ve got Steve Harvey putting that out there, and then you’ve got AXE commercials with girls raping a man made of chocolate.  These mixed messages!  No wonder I just hide out in my apartment watching romantic dramedies from the 80s.

7 responses to “Valentine’s Day 2009: Confessions of a chocolate-eating, hulu-watching recluse

  1. Interesting. It’s good to get a female point of view of these things. A lot of my girlfriends have changed 90 days to “never”

  2. That’s too bad, jollyjeff.

  3. That’s the 2nd “tragic uniformed job” reference….

  4. God bless Marlene Dietrich. She was never tainted by the Cinemafia like today’s actors. I agree with you about one’s mate shouldn’t be smelling like food. I am not a cannibal.

  5. Can you imagine any of today’s starlets parading about in an ape costume? Jolie, Hudson, Aniston (?), Witherspoon (maybe Bullock)… I can’t see any of them being willing to do it, and Dietrich was a bigger star than all of them (taking inflation into the equation)!

    P.S. Is it bad I’m a sucker for vanilla-scented women? Even if Mean Manager Marlene wore a dash of Vanilla Fields or accidentally spilled vanilla extract on her workshirt, I’d still try to be snuggling up to her.

    Bonus P.S. Thanks for bringing up Pandora. That is exactly the kind of music station I need while spending this Valentine’s Day with my laptop. Happy Hallmark Holiday!

  6. Random musings on your post:

    a) Marlene Dietrich “friends that matter at 4 A.M. – nowadays we call those “booty calls”

    b) Go is super cool

    c) something about “chocolate love” or something

    d) pshaw, what are the ladies going to do during the three month wait? Steve Harvey is a misogynist to even suggest the woman’s “greatest benefit” is sex. Sometimes there is laundry involved as well.

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