Horoscopes, Conspiracies, and “Udder” Stuff

Is this not the least useful horoscope you’ve ever read:

Sometimes you have to dry clean your dry cleaning and hand-wash your hand-washables.

Where’s the profound astrological meaning in that?  Is this some archaic saying homemakers used once upon a time?  i.e. Sometimes you have to pick your battles?  Sometimes you have pay extra to have someone else take care of the shit that you can’t do yourself because you would ruin it, and sometimes you have to buckle down, use some elbow grease and wash your fucking linens.  You made your bed and now you’re gonna lie in it–so long as you hand-washed the embroidered pillowcases and sent the down feather comforter to the dry cleaners first, young lady!

With a little tweaking that bit of wisdom courtesy of Yahoo! Horoscopes could sell a bunch of Dryel (the at-home dry cleaning product).  If I were a copywriter it would go a little something like this:

Sometimes you have to hand-wash your hand-washables, but who says you have to dry clean your dry cleaning?

Sometimes you have to hand-wash your hand-washables, but who says you have to dry clean your dry cleaning?

Isnt this guy hilarious?  I dont know what he has to do with Dryel, but he comes up when you do an image search for it.  Im going to name him Dreyfus.  Dreyfus the Dryel guy.

Isn't this guy hilarious? I don't know what he has to do with Dryel, but he comes up when you do an image search for it. I'm going to name him Dreyfus. Dreyfus the Dryel guy.

 Also, bizarrely, Dryel’s website may, according to Google, harm your computer!  Get a load of this(!!!):

 What is the current listing status for dryel.com?

Site is listed as suspicious – visiting this web site may harm your computer.

Part of this site was listed for suspicious activity 10 time(s) over the past 90 days.

What happened when Google visited this site?

Of the 63 pages we tested on the site over the past 90 days, 16 page(s) resulted in malicious software being downloaded and installed without user consent. The last time Google visited this site was on 2009-06-11, and the last time suspicious content was found on this site was on 2009-06-11.

I call foul on the dry cleaners of the world who are clearly conspiring to tarnish Dryel’s spotless reputation. Perhaps Dreyfus will put a stop to this.  Though I’m no homemaker, I posit that this is a battle worth choosing.

On second thought, this shit is objectifyingly whack, demeaning hardworking female farmhands everywhere:

dryel

The copy reads: “The Fashionable Farmer’s Daughter. The rooster crows when Dawn rises in black evening gown, $145. Her tasty secret? Clean, refresh and even remove unsavory odors from her dry clean only clothing by using Dryel at home. Now that Dawn can squeeze more time to wear and shop for her favorite attire, don’t think she ain’t gonna milk it.”

I don’t know where to begin, so I’m just not going to start.

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