Monthly Archives: November 2009

How to pick up a woman?

You can’t really make it out, but this photo depicts a man using a bench on the subway platform to do arm exercises.  And the woman next to him looks uncomfortable, but too tired to move.  Which is sort of an interesting metaphor.  I feel like I get that way a lot–uncomfortable with my situation, but too tired to do anything about it.

I finally got around to cleaning my room, though, so things are looking up.

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How are you feeling?

My coworker just walked past my computer screen.  And if he happened to look, he would’ve seen that I was on Dictionary.com looking at the definition of “sad”.

I don’t feel particularly sad, but…looking up the definition of “sad” is admittedly a pretty sad thing to do.

Contemplating sadness got me thinking about Eeyore.  I never connected with Winnie the Pooh when I was little, and I especially didn’t connect with Eeyore–which is funny because I lived up the street from a donkey farm.  But Eeyore’s deal isn’t that Eeyore is a donkey.  Eeyore’s deal is clearly that Eeyore is sad.  And wears a pink bow. 

With age I’ve come to better understand Eeyore’s condition/s.  It’s painful to see such a sad creature.  This video below makes it less painful.  And it’d be even less painful and more amazing if drugs were involved:

Musical Theater Sans Pretense.

Taylor Swift on SNL!!!!!!

There’s something about SNL promos that are completely awkward.  I spent some time watching a bunch of them on hulu not long ago, and most of them are painful to watch.  Self-promotion is hard to pull off well.  Most of the hosts crash and burn with the format:

  1. Host says that he/she is hosting, and also mentions the musical guest.
  2. Cast member does/says something that warrants a reaction from the host.
  3. Host reacts.

That third part is the clincher.  If the host doesn’t react in a genuine and funny way, the whole thing kind of fails.  The viewer can tell when the host just feels awkward about the whole thing.  They look awkward, the viewer feels awkward.  It’s hard all around.  Because I’m rooting for them.  Hosting SNL is a big deal.  You’ve made some kind of name for yourself if you’re invited.  But there is that very real danger of being god awful.  And the promo is often an indication of how the show will go.

That said, Taylor Swift is hosting this week, AND she’s the musical guest.  And I predict, based on the fact that she’s awesome, that she’ll do a good job.  And by good job, I mean as good of a job as is possible.  I hope.

I think Taylor Swift’s reactions in her promos are really impressive.  Before you watch hers, though, watch the promo with Peyton Manning and Carrie Underwood.  Peyton does well, but Carrie…  Kind of painful.  Compare and contrast.

Sex according to perfume commercials!

The title sort of says it all.  In my last post I talked about being embarrassed by sex-related Elton John lyrics in front of my parents.  Never mind that.  Any American household worth its puritanical foundation will swiftly change the channel should one of these 30-60 second pieces of filthy deviant excess interrupt a wholesome TV-watching experience: 

Warning: You will, upon watching all of these in succession, climax repeatedly.

What Elton John lacks in hair…

It took me a really long time to realize that Elton John was gay.  It wasn’t at all like realizing that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, but I want to make that comparison anyway.  I guess because I love Elton John.  Not in a childlike, deer-eyed way, but in a mature, jaded way. 

Elton’s been on my mind lately.  Mostly because I just realized that he wears a toupee.  I don’t know why I’m so far behind on my Elton realizations…  But also I’ve been listening to him.  Reminiscing about him.  When I was younger, if I was driving with my parents, I would get uncomfortable when “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues” came on the radio, because it goes like,

And I guess that’s why
They call it the blues
Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that’s why
They call it the blues

Whoa!  How can you not enjoy that as a chorus?  Children, lovers, blues.  Those are my favorite things right there.  Except for children.

john-and-taupin

Bernie Taupin there is to thank for those lyrics.  What a stud, right?  He pulls off that hair and sort-of turtleneck exceedingly well.  It’s nuts.

In conclusion, Elton John’s hilarious.  Lady Gaga should wear some of his outfits from the early 80s.  Particularly his glasses.  And also, I suppose, some of his wigs from right now.

One last thing.  This “I Want Love” song has always done it for me.  It’s dark.  Yet hopeful.  And Robert Downey, Jr. is in this video, which just may have started my love affair with him.  This video would also make an interesting thesis.  One could write all about love, sex, and attractive men who are empty inside like a marble-floored mansion.  But they’ve still got those chandeliers waiting to be lit in the foyer of their heart and the ballroom of their loins:

Proverb of the Month!

Oh man, my blog is cool. No, really. This is going to be awesome.

A proverb, (from the Latin proverbium), is a simple and concrete saying popularly known and repeated, which expresses a truth, based on common sense or the practical experience of humanity. They are often metaphorical. A proverb that describes a basic rule of conduct may also be known as a maxim.

This is contentious stuff! I’m weary of any so-called “truths”. I’m also weary of “common sense” and “metaphors”. Metaphors are wolves howling at the moon on a foggy night. Metaphors are adults who still wet the bed and neglect to do laundry for two months. Oh, and yeah, that whole “basic rule of conduct” thing? Fuck that, too. That’s almost as bad as a metaphor. That’s so bad it’s like a simile.

Proverbs are lame. Especially when they’re included on the slips of paper inside fortune cookies that should be reserved for, oh I don’t know, FORTUNES.

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Proverb of the month:

Two dogs fight for a bone, and a third runs away with it.

So, there you have it. This month, heed that wisdom and be a greedy pacifist bitch.