Category Archives: Bread

Drinking malt beverages, pickin’ up hos–you know, just another Saturday night.

Do you ever take a moment to reflect upon what you’re doing at any given time and find yourself thinking things like, “Wow.  I never thought I’d find myself spending a year in Malawi with the Peace Corps!”  Or, “This is absolutely insane.  I’m about to sign my name on this release form at which point network executives will have full authority to edit everything I do and say for the next four months however they maliciously see fit in order to procure the highest ratings.”   

My moment came about ten minutes ago as I was readying my camera to take a photograph of the banana bread I’d just baked, a photograph that I would then e-mail to my mom along with a message saying something along the lines of, “Look what I did on my Saturday night!”  So, yeah.  I realized that I’m swiftly turning not into the extremely cool, edgy woman I assumed I’d be, and instead into…I don’t know.  A pathetic, bread-eating woman who listens to Rod Stewart at a reasonable volume so as not to disturb the neighbors she occasionally hears having sex next door.  I’m becoming that aunt who you see on the holidays.  She always has crumbs on her improperly buttoned shirt and she’s alarmingly out of touch with current events and popular culture. 

Okay, I don’t really think I’m that far gone, but there is still some cause for concern.  But, seriously–the bread turned out really good.  I’m not going to force you to look at it, because that would be a new low for me, but if you want to look at how awesome my banana bread turned out… click here!

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The Local News is My Version of Hell

It’s a joke. A 30-minute disaster of a not-funny joke that makes my skin crawl in much the same way that my apartment is crawling with various infestations. Anyway, tonight I found myself watching the 11pm local news on CBS. I don’t know why. They suck you in with bizarre headlines and you think, “I simply cannot continue living life on this planet if I do not hear about that NYC firefighter who called in fake alarms to keep his station afloat with all these budget cuts threatening to shut it down.” Or something. I missed that report.

But luckily I did catch a fascinating report towards the end of the broadcast, just before Letterman (who had John McCain as his guest, WTF?). It was a “health” report from Dr. Holly Phillips about this not even all that new procedure called a “Y-Lift” that is “even better than a face lift!” It gets its name from the way in which the facial filler is injected into the skin–in a “Y” shape, apparently. A couple posts ago I said the American workaholic mentality was one of my least favorite things about this country. New idea: the American obsession with all things age-defying and anti-wrinkle tops that list. This is how Dr. Holly Phillips finished her important report (more important than all the other things going on in the world? fuck off, CBS):

There is a slight chance of having an allergic reaction to cosmetic fillers. To prevent this, ask your doctor to test a small amount of the filler on the inside of your wrist before injecting it into your face.

Do you hear yourself, Dr. Holly? “INTO YOUR FACE.” Best of all, though, was when it was handed back over to co-anchor Kristine Johnson who made this flub:

The cost of the wife lift procedure starts at about $4,500.

Pretty sure she meant to say Y-Lift…but I’m not going to open up that Freudian slip of worms. I’ll just move right on to the money thing. $4,500?? Are you kidding me? I was outraged at a man on a subway platform tonight using a $1 bill as a bookmark. Seemed like an unnecessary flaunting of wealth. So don’t sit there on your lumbar-supporting chair, misreading your teleprompter, and casually drop a figure like $4,500. We’re all going to be waiting in bread lines come New Years, but hey, at least our faces will be taut.

Dear Blog, Happy Anniversary

Hey, this thing has made it to its third month.  That’s definitely the longest relationship with a blog I’ve ever had.  

Don’t know why I’m awake right now.  I’m excited because there’s some serious raining and thundering going on.  

But then there’s the whole job front, which is better, but confusing and also contributing to not sleeping.  I’ve been getting more calls for interviews and then some job offers, which is coooool, thanks universe, but I don’t know.  Is it really the best idea to start working in a movie theatre?  I’ve always wanted to work in a movie theatre.  And I’m thinking about getting a degree in Film Studies.  And I don’t want corporate, soul-draining terribleness.     

So it could work.  Because I’m also doing this at-home data entry gig.  I spent most of today typing passages from a book about the nutritional needs of endurance athletes.  Carbohydrates, turns out, is an annoying word to type.  Damn you.  All of you.  Damn the simple carbohydrates.  Damn the complex carbohydrates.  Except I really love bread.   Bread can stay.