If you find yourself lost in that throng of angry pedestrians taking pictures of themselves in front of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. and electronic billboards, I recommend walking on the south side of W 43rd between 9th and 10th Avenues. It will provide respite from the chaos, and it will remind you of one of the simplest pleasures in life–smelling stuff that smells good. Specifically, the good-smelling scents of these two things:
You may also get a whiff of urine.
Remember that time in Forest Gump when Forrest hangs out with Lt. Dan on New Year’s Eve? And they end up back in some room with those women they picked up at the bar? Then Lt. Dan falls over in his wheelchair and the women laugh and leave? I hope your New Year’s is JUST LIKE THAT.
Or, you know. I hope it’s awesome.
It took me a really long time to realize that Elton John was gay. It wasn’t at all like realizing that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, but I want to make that comparison anyway. I guess because I love Elton John. Not in a childlike, deer-eyed way, but in a mature, jaded way.
Elton’s been on my mind lately. Mostly because I just realized that he wears a toupee. I don’t know why I’m so far behind on my Elton realizations… But also I’ve been listening to him. Reminiscing about him. When I was younger, if I was driving with my parents, I would get uncomfortable when “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues” came on the radio, because it goes like,
And I guess that’s why
They call it the blues
Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that’s why
They call it the blues
Whoa! How can you not enjoy that as a chorus? Children, lovers, blues. Those are my favorite things right there. Except for children.
Bernie Taupin there is to thank for those lyrics. What a stud, right? He pulls off that hair and sort-of turtleneck exceedingly well. It’s nuts.
In conclusion, Elton John’s hilarious. Lady Gaga should wear some of his outfits from the early 80s. Particularly his glasses. And also, I suppose, some of his wigs from right now.
One last thing. This “I Want Love” song has always done it for me. It’s dark. Yet hopeful. And Robert Downey, Jr. is in this video, which just may have started my love affair with him. This video would also make an interesting thesis. One could write all about love, sex, and attractive men who are empty inside like a marble-floored mansion. But they’ve still got those chandeliers waiting to be lit in the foyer of their heart and the ballroom of their loins:
I need to thank Jesus. Thank you for the whole manger, miracles, crucifixion thing, but THANK YOU for having me born into a family where my mom receives Predator on DVD from my dad and thinks it’s the best gift ever. I thought she was being sarcastic when she unwrapped it and exclaimed “PREDATOR! THANK YOU!” but no. We then proceeded to watch it and I thought, “I could be enduring some horrible, forced gathering of people who don’t like each other, but instead I’m drinking wine with crazy people who I love and listening to Arnold Schwartenegger and bad pussy jokes.”
For the record, I think Arnold Schwartenegger is a terrifying human being ever since I watched Pumping Iron. Also, the pussy jokes really are terrible (yes, I imdb’d Predator and went into Memorable Quotes just to look for the pussy jokes):
Hawkins: Hey Billy. Billy! The other day, I went up to my girlfriend, I said, “Y’know I’d like a little pussy”. She said, “Me too, mine’s as big as a house!”
[Billy stares blankly]
Hawkins: See, she, she wanted a little one ’cause hers was…
[Hawkins pauses, then trails off]
Hawkins: … big as a house.
Hawkins: Billy. Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, “Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy.” She said, “Why did you say that twice?” I said, “I didn’t.”
[Billy stares blankly]
Hawkins: See, cuz of the echo.
Other highlights: receiving Abba’s greatest hits (something about that Swedish pop), and a scarf that my parents found abandoned on a railing in one of the Smithsonian museums and decided to give to me. Apparently my dad tried to take it for himself, but my mom petitioned that it be given to me with a gift tag that read “From: ?” As I tried it on she said, “Don’t worry, I washed it.”
To counteract the terribleness of the Edge Shave Gel ad, I think an awkward love scene from a classic Chistmas movie is in order. Here’s Part 8/13 from White Christmas. If you’re about to run out to do that last minute shopping thing, skip to 4:10 and 4:38 to see Bing and Rosemary making out, and skip to 9:08 to see a young Sister Mary Lazarus from Sister Act! She looked the same in 1954 as she did in 1992, it’s nothing short of a Christmas miracle.
There are too many publishing jobs on Craigslist requiring knowledge of that damn Quark software. There is also a soft cheese called Quark that hails from Eastern Europe. I’ve never tried it, so I can’t say if there can be too much of that, but too much cheese is usually never a good thing. Oh, this is exciting–“The Quark” is the narrowest segment of the Baltic Sea between Sweden and Finland. Its only claim to fame is there being very little of it, so it’s really not in its best interest for there to be too much more of it. And then there are those quarky subatomic particles, but I digress. What I’m getting at is, there can indeed be too much quark, but no, there cannot be too much quirk.
I’ve been itching to dedicate a post to Zooey Deschanel lately. Every time I see a trailer for Yes Man I remember how much I love her. In this week’s Onion Keith Phipps reviews Yes Man and describes Deschanel as a “go-to quirk-provider.” Reading that was a bit of a revelation for me because I have a strange obsession with quirkiness and it’s gotten worse since I’ve graduated college for some reason. It’s to the point where I can’t pick up a book unless it’s at least as quirky as something by Tom Robbins. Same with films. If it’s got Bill Murray having a life crisis of some kind, I’m there. Anyway, apparently I look for quirk in my leading ladies, too.
I haven’t seen everything she’s been in, but Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy makes me cry it’s so perfectly quirky. I really need to read the actual Douglas Adams books. Also, she was pretty much the only redeemable thing in Failure to Launch, that ridiculous Sarah Jessica Parker/Matthew McConaughey romantic comedy. Then, thanks to Pandora, I came across her music:
I want to make music like that. Dammit. Except the tone of my voice is more comparable to, say, Bing Crosby’s pa rum pum pum pums in this quirky duet with David Bowie:
Okay, that might be more awkward than quirky. Anyway, one final Zooey Deschanel clip. Probably my favorite. 1. Because she has such a good voice, and 2. Because she’s naked. Okay, really just because she’s naked.