Category Archives: Christmas

West 12th Street – West 42nd Street, First Leg

Cabinet in hospital trash pile.

Manners.

 

Snack break.

 

 

Grey clouds

Amy Adams groping herself.

Self-portrait break.

 

 

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Times Square is terrible, and lots of people get depressed this time of year, but…

If you find yourself lost in that throng of angry pedestrians taking pictures of themselves in front of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. and electronic billboards, I recommend walking on the south side of W 43rd between 9th and 10th Avenues.  It will provide respite from the chaos, and it will remind you of one of the simplest pleasures in life–smelling stuff that smells good.  Specifically, the good-smelling scents of these two things:

Pi Pie! (Not necessarily available at this particular pie shop.)

Trees! (Beer can ornaments probably sold separately.)

You may also get a whiff of urine.

Remember that time in Forest Gump when Forrest hangs out with Lt. Dan on New Year’s Eve?  And they end up back in some room with those women they picked up at the bar?  Then Lt. Dan falls over in his wheelchair and the women laugh and leave?  I hope your New Year’s is JUST LIKE THAT.

Or, you know.  I hope it’s awesome.

What Elton John lacks in hair…

It took me a really long time to realize that Elton John was gay.  It wasn’t at all like realizing that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, but I want to make that comparison anyway.  I guess because I love Elton John.  Not in a childlike, deer-eyed way, but in a mature, jaded way. 

Elton’s been on my mind lately.  Mostly because I just realized that he wears a toupee.  I don’t know why I’m so far behind on my Elton realizations…  But also I’ve been listening to him.  Reminiscing about him.  When I was younger, if I was driving with my parents, I would get uncomfortable when “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues” came on the radio, because it goes like,

And I guess that’s why
They call it the blues
Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that’s why
They call it the blues

Whoa!  How can you not enjoy that as a chorus?  Children, lovers, blues.  Those are my favorite things right there.  Except for children.

john-and-taupin

Bernie Taupin there is to thank for those lyrics.  What a stud, right?  He pulls off that hair and sort-of turtleneck exceedingly well.  It’s nuts.

In conclusion, Elton John’s hilarious.  Lady Gaga should wear some of his outfits from the early 80s.  Particularly his glasses.  And also, I suppose, some of his wigs from right now.

One last thing.  This “I Want Love” song has always done it for me.  It’s dark.  Yet hopeful.  And Robert Downey, Jr. is in this video, which just may have started my love affair with him.  This video would also make an interesting thesis.  One could write all about love, sex, and attractive men who are empty inside like a marble-floored mansion.  But they’ve still got those chandeliers waiting to be lit in the foyer of their heart and the ballroom of their loins:

Christmas Memories…

I need to thank Jesus.  Thank you for the whole manger, miracles, crucifixion thing, but THANK YOU for having me born into a family where my mom receives Predator on DVD from my dad and thinks it’s the best gift ever.  I thought she was being sarcastic when she unwrapped it and exclaimed “PREDATOR! THANK YOU!” but no.  We then proceeded to watch it and I thought, “I could be enduring some horrible, forced gathering of people who don’t like each other, but instead I’m drinking wine with crazy people who I love and listening to Arnold Schwartenegger and bad pussy jokes.” 

For the record, I think Arnold Schwartenegger is a terrifying human being ever since I watched Pumping Iron.  Also, the pussy jokes really are terrible (yes, I imdb’d Predator and went into Memorable Quotes just to look for the pussy jokes):

Hawkins: Hey Billy. Billy! The other day, I went up to my girlfriend, I said, “Y’know I’d like a little pussy”. She said, “Me too, mine’s as big as a house!”
[Billy stares blankly]
Hawkins: See, she, she wanted a little one ’cause hers was…
[Hawkins pauses, then trails off]
Hawkins: … big as a house.

Hawkins: Billy. Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, “Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy.” She said, “Why did you say that twice?” I said, “I didn’t.”
[Billy stares blankly]
Hawkins: See, cuz of the echo.

Other highlights: receiving Abba’s greatest hits (something about that Swedish pop), and a scarf that my parents found abandoned on a railing in one of the Smithsonian museums and decided to give to me. Apparently my dad tried to take it for himself, but my mom petitioned that it be given to me with a gift tag that read “From: ?” As I tried it on she said, “Don’t worry, I washed it.”

May your days be merry and bright and may all your Christmases be whiiiiite.

To counteract the terribleness of the Edge Shave Gel ad, I think an awkward love scene from a classic Chistmas movie is in order.  Here’s Part 8/13 from White Christmas.  If you’re about to run out to do that last minute shopping thing, skip to 4:10 and 4:38 to see Bing and Rosemary making out, and skip to 9:08 to see a young Sister Mary Lazarus from Sister Act!  She looked the same in 1954 as she did in 1992, it’s nothing short of a Christmas miracle.

Too Much Quirk?

There are too many publishing jobs on Craigslist requiring knowledge of that damn Quark software.  There is also a soft cheese called Quark that hails from Eastern Europe.  I’ve never tried it, so I can’t say if there can be too much of that, but too much cheese is usually never a good thing.  Oh, this is exciting–“The Quark” is the narrowest segment of the Baltic Sea between Sweden and Finland.  Its only claim to fame is there being very little of it, so it’s really not in its best interest for there to be too much more of it.  And then there are those quarky subatomic particles, but I digress.  What I’m getting at is, there can indeed be too much quark, but no, there cannot be too much quirk.

I’ve been itching to dedicate a post to Zooey Deschanel lately.  Every time I see a trailer for Yes Man I remember how much I love her.  In this week’s Onion Keith Phipps reviews Yes Man and describes Deschanel as a “go-to quirk-provider.”  Reading that was a bit of a revelation for me because I have a strange obsession with quirkiness and it’s gotten worse since I’ve graduated college for some reason.  It’s to the point where I can’t pick up a book unless it’s at least as quirky as something by Tom Robbins.  Same with films.  If it’s got Bill Murray having a life crisis of some kind, I’m there.  Anyway, apparently I look for quirk in my leading ladies, too. 

I haven’t seen everything she’s been in, but Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy makes me cry it’s so perfectly quirky.  I really need to read the actual Douglas Adams books.  Also, she was pretty much the only redeemable thing in Failure to Launch, that ridiculous Sarah Jessica Parker/Matthew McConaughey romantic comedy.  Then, thanks to Pandora, I came across her music:

 I want to make music like that.  Dammit.  Except the tone of my voice is more comparable to, say, Bing Crosby’s pa rum pum pum pums in this quirky duet with David Bowie:

Okay, that might be more awkward than quirky.  Anyway, one final Zooey Deschanel clip.  Probably my favorite.  1. Because she has such a good voice, and 2. Because she’s naked.  Okay, really just because she’s naked.

And so this is Christmas…

Faith Hill’s new Christmas song is on the radio every time I go to the laundromat.  It’s called “A Baby Changes Everything,” and it’s all about Mary and the Immaculate Conception and her and Joseph’s trek to the manger. 

Teenage girl, much too young
Unprepared for what’s to come
A baby changes everything

The man she loves she’s never touched
How will she keep his trust?
A baby changes everything

My original intention was to criticize “A Baby Changes Everything.”  Okay, that’s still the intent, but just for the record, I do feel a little guilty about it.  This is, after all, the Biblical event that serves as the excuse for us to have drunken holiday parties, buy stuff we can’t afford, receive stuff other people couldn’t afford, drink limited time festive lattes at Starbuck’s, etc, etc.  Blatant Christian messages are just jarring for the ears, even for my ears that were raised on the stuff. 

Anyway, while Faith’s song doesn’t particularly put me in the holiday spirit in the same way that, say, Wham!’s “Last Christmas” (Faith Hill is almost as beautiful as George Michael), and it doesn’t get stuck in my head while at the same time making me terribly sad like John Lennon’s “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)”…it might convince teenage girls to practice abstinence.  Or, they might just think (especially if they’ve received an abstinence-only “education”), fuck it…Joe the future Plumber (or carpenter, whatever) is going to think I’m a whore if I don’t let him touch me and just my luck something immaculate goes and happens. 

The whole nativity thing really is a nice story, though.  I love those Three Wise Men.  I went as one of them to a Halloween party this year along with two friends and I taped a sign that said “I went to Bethlehem and all I got was this stupid t-shirt” to my t-shirt.  That was my favorite part.  Along with the fake beards and the blow-up camels pinned to our crotches.  Actually, we couldn’t find camels so we used blow-up giraffes from the 99 cent store next to the strip club. 

But I really am in the holiday spirit this year.  Or maybe not the holiday spirit, per se.  I’m happy and it happens to be the holidays, so yeah.  And a snowstorm is hitting here at 9am, which is almost as exciting as being impregnated by God.  (Even if I’m sleeping until 3pm these days and will miss the first round of it.)

Googling God is fun! (The blog I got this from might not appreciate my using it.  But, hey, its Christmas!)

Googling God is fun! (The blog I got this from might not appreciate my using it. But, hey, it's Christmas!)