Category Archives: review

Melissa Joan: Ready for all that Mario jelly?

Forgive me.  I don’t want to get too contentious or topical on this blog, but…

I just watched the ABC Family original romantic comedy “Holiday in Handcuffs” from 2007, and I just find it difficult to believe that these two people could ever have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship together:

Not buyin' it.

That said.  It’s a great film (by ABC Family original movie standards).  Find the time.

Botched abortions and projectile vomiting. Or something else entirely.

Don’t you love going to a movie and being like, “HEY!  That’s the girl who played Patrick Swayze’s dance partner who had the botched abortion in Dirty Dancing!”  Or, “That’s the chick who played the ghost that projectile vomits all over Haley Joel Osment in that Bruce Willis, ‘I see dead people’ film!!”  Okay, no one would say that.  They’d just say something like, “Oh.  Mischa Barton.  Who cares.” 

I saw Australia yesterday and was so excited to be able to do that regarding this guy: 

I can’t believe Rachel Ward and Bryan Brown are married when Luke was such an asshole to Meggie in “The Thorn Birds“.  Anyway, Bryan Brown who played evil Luke, the man Meggie marries to try to get over Father Ralph de Bricassart, plays the evil cattle baron King Carney in Australia.  I think it’s worth seeing for two reasons:

1.  

 

 

 

 

  

 2.

 

 

 

 

 

One last thing.  On the subway home from seeing the man above, I saw the woman below.  She had a cold, she was studying a textbook, and she was so cool:

Fiona Apple!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fiona Apple!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Hot Mess of a Blog Post

So, I took 1970’s Love Story out of the library today because…I try not to admit this, but…sometimes I’m a girl.  I know, it’s crazy.   

Anyway, it just has me really depressed. Because first of all, it’s really dramatic. And also, Ryan O’Neal looks exactly like John McCain.  Not John McCain now, obviously, but this John McCain:

 

 

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I need to push John McCain out of my mind. Then again, it’s not like two blog posts ago was a poem about him or that he’s ended up in my dreams. I think he just really scares the shit out of me, so it’s better to let it out. No use being a repressed asshole.

I also took out Annie Hall. I’m just really in the mood for neurotic right now.  I know Woody Allen is kind of a crazy dude, but I really like him. Not in a sexual way, but in the same way I like pigeons.  

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve decided “Never Have I Ever” is the worst game ever.  I was at a party and this dude starts the bar at, “Never have I ever had sex on acid.”  What??  He proceeded to say that there was nothing else he hadn’t done.  He was wearing a shirt that said “I Heart Hot Moms.”  One of those crappy ones you get at Old Navy on clearance for $5, or you buy it at full price and you’re even more of an ass.  Anyway, I wanted to get angry so I asked him about his experiences with hot moms, he told me, and yeah.  Nothing wrong with being proud of yourself for getting laid, but…have some class.  This guy didn’t.  Plus there were only two girls at this party so the machismo was just way too much to handle.  Gay jokes were flying everywhere, you couldn’t say two words without someone yelling out “That’s what she said!”, and yeah.  I had to lash out at someone, so that was that.  Sometimes I feel like more of a man than the dudes I encounter.  Okay, most of the time.  Is that weird to say?  I don’t care.

Oh, Wristcutters: A Love Story is a really good movie.  It’s about suicide and the afterlife and what could be more romantic than that?  And Tom Waits is in it!  Bizarre.

Weekend in Review

A job offer came on Friday.  Wrapped up in German smiles and

Monopoly money, it promised Long Island City freedom

and casual Monday through Fridays,

but at $9/hr and no benefits I kindly refused. 

 

Sunday we saw that Richard Gere movie.

Richard’s face appeared and Ali whispered, “He’s like a wine.”

Saturday was nothing to speak of, except for Fast Food Nation

furthering a deep love for Greg Kinnear

and Blood Diamond furthering

a curiosity about the Rhodesian/Zimbabwean accent.

 

Friday we were irresponsible citizens, choosing to drink an excess of red and white wine during the presidential debate. “If they made blue wine,

we would be patriotic right now.”  

 “Money bailouts, Pakistan, pork-barrel spending?”  “Hard to swallow.”   

“Orgy of spending.” 

“Jim Lehrer is surprisingly handsome.”

I think its the eyes.

I think it's the eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

Note: Planning on being sober for Thursday’s VP debate.

Watch Me Tonight?

I’m glad the movie musical is making a comeback, but let’s get back to its roots.  I’m not talking Mamma Mia.  There will be no singing Pierce Brosnan in the film I’m referring to.  Forget Hairspray.  You will not be seeing Ricki Lake dancing or John Travolta in a dress.  Step away from all that 21st Century silliness, and into Golden Age Hollywood. 

Okay, Love Me Tonight from 1932 is still pretty silly, but in a completely heartwarming, timeless, black & white film kind of way.  It comes from director Rouben Mamoulian who went on to direct the first Broadway runs of Oklahoma!, Porgy and Bess, and Carousel.  In Love Me Tonight, with French hottie Maurice Chevalier and blonde beauty Jeanette MacDonald, Mamoulian sets out to satirize the beloved movie musical.  The writers didn’t even bother coming up with different first names for Maurice and Jeanette.  And apparently no one told Jeanette that the whole bit was a spoof because you can just tell she’s taking the whole thing quite seriously. 

Maurice plays a Parisian tailor and Jeanette a princess.  The film is a fairy tale of sorts, making it easy to get swept away.  Maurice ends up at Jeanette’s castle after getting ripped off by her cousin.  And that’s when the whole mistaken identity thing begins.  Suddenly all the important people take Maurice the tailor for Maurice the baron.  So he sings and dances and they all fall in love with him, including prissy princess Jeanette.  A pretty run of the mill fairy tale, but it’s the songs by Rodgers and Hart that really wow, along with the performances by supporting actors Myrna Loy (her first “non-exotic” role) and comedian Charles Ruggles.  Be sure to watch out for Ruggles talking about his “flute” and dancing with 1 pound dumbbells.     

Reasons to watch: Mamoulian was one of the most innovative directors of his time.  You know how musicals integrate songs into the storyline so you don’t just have a random performance that’s really an excuse for men to stare at some pretty lady sing?  Yeah, that was Mamoulian.  He also said, hey, we should make the camera move and we should use more than one microphone.  Which are obviously terrible ideas.

Warnings: You will likely have the songs “Mimi” and “Isn’t It Romantic” stuck in your head for days, if not weeks.  Also, this film gets pretty risqué for the Hays Code era (see Will Hays left).  Not sure how Maurice taking a tape measure to Jeanette’s boobies got past the censors, but I’m not complaining!  They also end up in bed together via split screen action. 

Who to watch with: Well, I watched Love Me Tonight alone, but that’s just because I’m a terribly lonely woman who can’t find anyone to love and would rather spend the evening on the couch with her cats.  But in your case, watch it with a sense of humor and a lover.  Watch it with a deep appreciation for French men and silly situations.  If you can find a French man watch it with him.  If you do not know any French men, you can always put an ad out on Craigslist. 

Who not to watch with: Frat boys or anyone who takes themselves too seriously.  Or, on second thought, do watch it with them.  If any movie can free them from their “I’m too cool for movie musicals” delusions it’s Love Me Tonight.