Category Archives: television

Hi, how are you?

Are the news channels now talking about something other than the hurricane? If you experienced the hurricane, I hope you’re doing well. If you’re dealing with other issues in life, I also hope you’re doing well. If you’re dealing with issues and dealing with the hurricane, yes. Basically I hope everyone is doing well.

I have six minutes of battery left on the laptop. I got out of bed to write an e-mail to someone I think I did wrong. I don’t like feeling that I did wrong to anyone.

Anyway, with the remaining power, I thought I’d share a video from my new TV series. It’s not really a TV series. It’s only a TV series in my mind.

Landscaping is expensive

It’s easy to watch this commercial without even noticing the bushes and shrubs magically being groomed while these attractive, active, young women go about their happy, privileged lives:

I’m not against the thing.  The thing itself looks convenient enough.  It’s just the fact that the commercial goes so far out of its way to just come out and say it: “This lets you trim and shave your pubic hair.”

Instead you have to see those bushes and realize that those are a metaphor forwell, bushes.

You know what does make me skeptical?  This commercial implies that the un-groomed bushes are somehow less nice or less worthy.  Before and after shots, and the after is always preferable.  Always more beautiful.

I say, do whatever you want with your bushes.  Don’t let Schick and it’s silly advertisements influence how you landscape.  There’re just a bunch of men behind them, I’m sure.  Don’t let a bunch of men tell you that you’ve gotta fork out $12 if you, too, want to be attractive and active and happy.

Pigeons, Mike Tyson, and me

There’s an ambiguousness to this blog.  For a whole year I think it had a tongue in cheek tone to it.  And more lately it’s been pretty personal.  More contemplative and serious even.  But something that’s remained constant in its two and a half years is pigeons–and how much I love them.

The About page has described me as “a pursuer of creative outlets with a deep love and curiosity for all things pigeon,” which I think sums me up pretty well.  If I could only tell people two things about myself, I’d feel pretty satisfied if they only knew about my creativity and my feelings for pigeons.

All this is on my mind because I’m in countdown mode for the new Mike Tyson show on Animal Planet that debuts THIS SUNDAY, March 6th–“Taking on Tyson.”

“The first day I fought I must’ve been a ten year old kid.  This is the most frightening day of my life.  The reason for the fight was because the guy ripped the head off my pigeon.  This is the first thing I ever loved in my life.”

I don’t want to get too excited for this show.  I don’t know a whole lot about pigeon racing.  I don’t know a whole lot about Mike Tyson.  But I think this show is going to be an interesting look at a sensitive, provocative man.  Probably a lot of people will tune in because it’s a little strange and funny–but that’s okay.  The things we laugh at have truth in them.  And often the things we make fun of are the things we don’t want to take the time to consider–because they challenge something we’ve always held to be true: fighters are mean, men like Mike Tyson are tough, pigeons are just stupid birds.  I don’t think any of those things are true.  And that’s why I’m excited to watch.

Mannequins and MTV

This is the best thing I saw today:

If you can’t make it out, that’s material knitted to resemble my favorite thing–a pigeon! I like that it’s a fake pigeon pecking what appears to be a real plant. This is exactly the kind of window display I would put together if that were my trade.

Here’s the first image that comes up when you do a Google search of “worst window displays”:

I was expecting something worse than that, to be honest. There’s nothing all that shocking about it. Though the mannequin on the right looks a lot like a Canadian man I once knew.

Here’s “bad window displays”:

I appreciate that the smallest mannequin’s eyes are being covered. I hate when tender-aged mannequins are exposed to explicit sexual acts.

That reminds me of a newspaper article from today’s New York Times about the new MTV series “Skins.” There have been ads ALL OVER the subways the past couple weeks. I didn’t catch the premiere Monday night, but I suspected that the show involved teenagers doing drugs and having sex. And the article confirmed that and then some, saying, “In recent days, executives at the cable channel became concerned that some scenes from the provocative new show ‘Skins’ may violate federal child pornography statutes.”  That’s because all of the actors MTV gathered are under 18, the youngest being 15, and they’re filming scenes featuring “simulated masturbation, implied sexual assault, and teenagers disrobing and getting into bed together.”

I don’t care if it is a realistic portrait of life for modern day teenagers.  It still upsets me.  It mainly upsets me because I was not this breed of teenager.  I was not wild and adventurous, trying new substances and boys at every turn.  I was naive and confused and awkward.  The kids in these ads plastering the subways are sexy and confident and know how to apply makeup so well.  Is this realistic?  Or is this just the reality that MTV wants to sell and attract impressionable viewers with?

The Media Ruins Everything, or, Take that elderly woman home!

You’ve probably heard about Ted Williams, the guy with the “golden” voice who the media has jumped over almost as much as Jared Loughner, whose terrifying face is on the cover of every newspaper I’ve seen today.  I know Loughner is responsible for a tragic shooting, and the nation and the world deserve to be informed of that…I just wish the media didn’t scoop these things up like candy. Or crack.  I can just hear the discussion: “This guy’s picture has traumatized every speck of my being.  Let’s take up half the front page with it and see how many copies we sell.”  

Anyway, back to Ted Williams.  He got noticed through a YouTube video that featured him panhandling on a corner and showing off his impressively professional announcer’s voice.  In light of all the hits it received, yup, you know what happened: the media.  And I was really digging the story.  He’s been sober for two years, he’s just trying to get a job doing what he’s qualified to do.  He praises God.  Cool.  But then I saw this video on CBS’s website, and I instantly soured toward the whole thing.

You’ll see what I mean toward the end of the video.  It features a CBS Early Show reporter accompanying Ted Williams’ 90something year old mother to the airport to reunite with her son after ten. years.  It’s TV gold.  Too bad it feels so forced and awkward.  I feel bad for this woman, picked up by some TV producer, forced to spend a whole day talking about and anticipating her son’s arrival–ONLY TO BE STOOD UP AT THE AIRPORT. 

It’s awful.  The reporter says that Williams was immediately overwhelmed by other media outlets at the airport and that’s why there was no reunion that day.  Mother and son have since had their reunion and it was tear-filled and hug-filled and nice, but it doesn’t make up for this:

(Why do they hate embedding so much?  Watch it here.)

Seems to me, that in a rush to be the show that first captured the reunion, the Early Show didn’t nail down all the details.  Or, Ted Williams chose the media over his mother.  Either way, it doesn’t make me feel good about the world.

TV! $&^%!

On CBS at 9pm every week you can watch good looking people get brutally murdered as a team of good looking people works to solve the case.  There’s violence–blood and rape and 9mm–but at the end of the episode one of the good looking people leaves you with a heartwarming quote to ruminate on, like the one a few weeks ago from Buddha when he talks about family and harmony and beautiful gardens.

I don’t have a small family or beautiful gardens to tend.  But I just watched a woman get shot at pointblank range on national television and I watched a man force a married couple to have sex in the backseat of a van while he watched.

The writers, the actors, the producers–these are the people getting nominated for Emmy’s and celebrating a great sweeps week with bottles of expensive champagne.  But what about me?  What about me who has to walk home from work at 3am and suddenly I can’t shake the idea that I’m going to get raped on the sidewalk and become the next great plot.  And don’t tell me I can just turn off the TV, because it’s my job to watch.

No really.  It is.  Except I’m getting laid off from that job, so then it won’t be my job to watch and I can just turn off the TV.  And I’ll have to turn off the TV because there will be no money to pay for the TV anyway and the Republicans are going to take over control of the House and what the hell good have I been, wasting away in front of a screen.

Even more disturbing than I described.

But this really is a great Buddha quote they incorporated 🙂 :

A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden.

I’m no rhino expert, but…

I’m pretty sure they’re capable of killing all these women with little effort:

I particularly enjoy the woman who turns to see the rhino about to attack an unsuspecting neighborhood and simply smiles as though she’s seen an old friend and continues on her way.  That’d be my reaction, too.

The Dalai Lama is a failure (and so am I).

When I was young I sometimes repaired watches. I tried and failed many times. Sometimes I would lose my patience and hit the watch! During those moments, my anger altered my whole attitude and afterwards I felt very sorry for my actions. If my goal was to repair the watch, then why did I hit it on the table? –The Dalai Lama, The Dalai Lama’s Book of Wisdom

I made a bad pot. For some reason, I always thought that I was special and different. And I guess I just have a really hard time when I want to be good at something and I suck. –Jeff Winger, NBC’s “Community”

The Dalai Lama and the writers from “Community” bring up a theme I’ve been struggling with lately.  It’s hard feeling like a bumbling novice.  But it’s even harder striving for something that, at worst, is impossible, and, at best, is ridiculously subjective–perfection. I want to learn things, I want to experience life. I don’t want to beat myself up like one of the Dalai’s watches.

As the end of sitcoms go, I think things generally turn out okay, for the best.  If you pass me on the street, looking distressed and dishevelled, you’ll know it’s me when I stop in my tracks and proclaim, “Goddammit, I’m doing the best I can!”  Or I might just angrily whisper to myself over and over, “At any moment you could die, the least you can do is try.”

Sometimes when people are vaguely complaining about mundane things, such as their DVR failing to record this week’s episode of “Community”, or China continually giving them reasons to wear their “Free Tibet” gear, I’ll halfheartedly reply, “Life is hard.”  But fuck, man.  It is!  It’s also a whole slew of other things, but today there will be no devil’s advocating–life is frustrating and hard. 

I accidentally got a psychic reading a while back, and she was right–I do feel like I keep taking three steps forward and two steps back.  That psychic also told me that I’d be fine if I kept smiling.  Which still strikes me as an obnoxious thing to say.  As frustrating and hard as life’s failures feel, they’re often the things that teach us the most and open our eyes to the right steps to be taking.  Strife and angst serve a purpose.  Blah blah blah if it weren’t for difficult times we’d never grow.

Also, the Dalai Lama repaired watches?!  I had no idea.

“If you touch me you’ll understand what happiness is…”*

*That’s a mighty claim, Andrew Lloyd Webber…

Yesterday I went to the Salvation Army. My plan was to buy a coffee table. The thing that’s so great about thrift stores like the Army, though, is that you never know what you’re going to find. For instance, in the electronics department I found these:

TWO televisions simultaneously playing “Cats”, paired with one television playing J. Lo and Matthew McConaughey’s “The Wedding Planner”. These three screens distracted my attention for at least five minutes. (Five of the best minutes of my life.)

In the end, I didn’t go home with a coffee table.  Nor did I go home with a TV or a VHS copy of “The Wedding Planner”.  (I already own it on DVD.)  Instead, I went home with a pair of rollerblades and a plaid shirt that was in the men’s department even though it’s clearly a woman’s shirt.

Updates on future failed attempts to purchase a coffee table to follow.  I wrote a poem about a coffee table when I was in college.  It was just a list of stuff that had been left on the one in my dorm room after a particularly drunken weekend.

Poets are so pretentious.

Please experience 3:00:

New Year, Same Auld Blog.

It’s 2010.  You know what that means…


A new season of The Bachelor with a man named Jake.  I plan to watch last night’s episode online as soon as I hit the “publish” button on this post.  At which time I will laugh, cringe, cry, and masturbate.

I’ve been incredibly productive this year.  One highlight: I cleaned my room.  I found $20.  So far that money has bought me an egg and cheese sandwich and a coke.  Updates on the remaining $14 to come.

I also found my mini microphone.  I plan to hook it up to my laptop and record myself singing in the laundry room basement of my building.  I may even share some of these recordings on this here page.  The acoustics are pretty clean down there (pun intended).

AND LASTLY, I found the memory stick to my digital camera.  I went on my first photographic romp of the new year.  Here are the results:

It's 2010. You know what that also means.

Hate when buildings force me to consider things.

Dog in pink bonnet. You're not fooling anyone. You may be wearing a hat intended for a human, but you're still not allowed.

Still Life with Surgical Mask