Tag Archives: astrology

Horoscopes, Conspiracies, and “Udder” Stuff

Is this not the least useful horoscope you’ve ever read:

Sometimes you have to dry clean your dry cleaning and hand-wash your hand-washables.

Where’s the profound astrological meaning in that?  Is this some archaic saying homemakers used once upon a time?  i.e. Sometimes you have to pick your battles?  Sometimes you have pay extra to have someone else take care of the shit that you can’t do yourself because you would ruin it, and sometimes you have to buckle down, use some elbow grease and wash your fucking linens.  You made your bed and now you’re gonna lie in it–so long as you hand-washed the embroidered pillowcases and sent the down feather comforter to the dry cleaners first, young lady!

With a little tweaking that bit of wisdom courtesy of Yahoo! Horoscopes could sell a bunch of Dryel (the at-home dry cleaning product).  If I were a copywriter it would go a little something like this:

Sometimes you have to hand-wash your hand-washables, but who says you have to dry clean your dry cleaning?

Sometimes you have to hand-wash your hand-washables, but who says you have to dry clean your dry cleaning?

Isnt this guy hilarious?  I dont know what he has to do with Dryel, but he comes up when you do an image search for it.  Im going to name him Dreyfus.  Dreyfus the Dryel guy.

Isn't this guy hilarious? I don't know what he has to do with Dryel, but he comes up when you do an image search for it. I'm going to name him Dreyfus. Dreyfus the Dryel guy.

 Also, bizarrely, Dryel’s website may, according to Google, harm your computer!  Get a load of this(!!!):

 What is the current listing status for dryel.com?

Site is listed as suspicious – visiting this web site may harm your computer.

Part of this site was listed for suspicious activity 10 time(s) over the past 90 days.

What happened when Google visited this site?

Of the 63 pages we tested on the site over the past 90 days, 16 page(s) resulted in malicious software being downloaded and installed without user consent. The last time Google visited this site was on 2009-06-11, and the last time suspicious content was found on this site was on 2009-06-11.

I call foul on the dry cleaners of the world who are clearly conspiring to tarnish Dryel’s spotless reputation. Perhaps Dreyfus will put a stop to this.  Though I’m no homemaker, I posit that this is a battle worth choosing. On second thought…

Scare Tactics

Newspaper copy of late that would add fuel to the fire of my mom’s sentiment that I should “move home immediately” because my life, in New York City, is in grave danger:

The next time you have a coughing fit, it might not be the common cold, but the air you are breathing, at least according to a recent report issued by the American Lung Association.

The 10th annual State of the Air Report, released on April 29, found that Queens, along with the Bronx and Manhattan, are the dirtiest counties in the state for particle pollution.  The study states that 12.5 million New Yorkers reside in counties where the air pollution can endanger lives. —Bad air days: Queens fails a pollution test,” Queens Chronicle

The city is polluted?!  I think I’ve heard that somewhere before…  But this paragraph would really horrify the parental:

Astrology and Tarot cards are my favorite divinatory tools, but I also get a lot of use out of magnetic poetry kits, boxes full of evocative words and symbols in the form of refrigerator magnets.  Sometimes, I’ll close my eyes, beam a question out into the ethers, and pluck a few magnets at random from one of my poetry kits.  I just did that for you. ‘What are the keys to unlocking the enormous reserves of energy that are potentiall available for Aries folks right now?’ I asked.  Here’s the message that came: ‘swooping orgasms & laughing tears.’ (Or it could also be arranged this way: ‘laughing orgasms & swooping tears.’) —Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology, for the week of Apr. 22-28

I bring these articles up because I do have a bit of a cough.  And moving home in the somewhat near future is a possibility.  (Which tends to complicate orgasms, both swooping and laughing ones.)

Home Pages, Horoscopes, and Cookies

Lately I’ve been thinking about Home Pages. They say a lot about a person. I mean, it’s the website that you choose to see each and every time you double click on your browser icon. That’s a big deal! Home Pages are like the live-in boyfriends/girlfriends of the Internet. Always there when you come home at night. Sure you might only give them a half-hearted hello and a peck on the cheek and then go off to concentrating on something else, but there’s something about that website that keeps you coming back. There was something about that website that was appealing enough to want to see it multiple times a day.

And just like regular relationships, those between a user and his/her Home Page can get stagnant.  It’s not really exciting anymore, but it would be a hassle to break the routine now.  And you’ve been together for, like, four years, so that must mean something, right?

Okay, I’m done with that comparison.  My Home Page has been Yahoo! for ages.  And I’m thinking, maybe it’s time for a change.  This is just a thought.  More than likely I won’t change it.  Because I do like its enthusiasm(!).  I like its many categories of stuff on the sidebar.  But I never stay there very long.  Sometimes I check out what it thinks the temperature is in my zip code.  Sometimes I read the bizarre, cavity-inducing “news” stories it offers.  And more than sometimes I’ll read my horoscope.  But as of today it has been confirmed.  What used to be my favorite horoscope on the web is now my least favorite.  I don’t know if they’ve always been super vague and reeking of sinister ulterior motives, but check out mine for today:

You should feel comfortable trusting the people who are in power. They are capable.

Dear Mark Lerner at Astrology.com, That is quite possibly the worst advice/horoscope ever.  That’s not a horoscope.  That’s almost as maddening as opening up a fortune cookie and getting a proverb or some other obvious bit of wisdom that’s not quite as wise as a proverb instead of getting an actual fortune.  You know, the thing that you claim resides within the cookie?  I hate that!  When I open my fortune cookie I don’t want to read, Good deeds give you good karma.  I want to read something like, You will meet a mysterious woman in red or You will give birth to a money-making scheme this month.  (Maybe Bernie Madoff ran with that one.) 

But back to that horoscope.  (Aries, by the way.)  Not only is it not a good horoscope, but it’s a dangerous one!  Everyone knows you shouldn’t feel comfortable trusting the people in power.  The past eight years, if I’m not mistaken, have shown us that you should feel extremely UNCOMFORTABLE trusting the people in power.  That’s right, uncomfortable on a Caps Lock level.

So, I won’t be turning to Mark Lerner for any political advice à la the stars, but I would turn to Rob Brezsny.  He’s like the George Clooney of astrology.  Except that I’m not as smitten with George as I am with Rob.  So maybe he’s more like the…dammit, who am I smitten with…OH!  Okay.  Brezsny is the Barack Obama of astrology. 

Hes like the opposite of a ponzi scheme.

He's like the opposite of a ponzi scheme.

For more on psychics, check out this ABC Nightline bit on “Voodoo Economics.”  It’s about corporate psychics and the ridiculous businessmen who use them.  I really hate news correspondents sometimes.  Stop pandering to people who think angels and crystal balls are ridiculous notions.  Start pandering to crazy, head-in-the-cloud women like me.

Dear Angry Bloggers: “I can walk on water, bitch!” Love, Jesus

As an unpublished blogger…(aside from the college lit magazine and an essay in a textbook about MTV’s NEXT that somehow got published even though I cited this YouTube clip:

“Molly was cool, but if I wanted to date a virgin, I’d date my mom!”
“Do you know who MY father is?”
Must be the Catholic upbringing in me, but it reduces me to teary eyed laughter.)

…so as I was saying, as a semi-unpublished blogger, I found the new Village Voice’s cover story an interesting read.  Confession: usually I skip to the back for Free Will Astrology and Savage Love.  Sometimes I read a few paragraphs of Musto. Confession #2: I don’t understand those really scary, animosity-filled bloggers who spend all their time criticizing things. Criticizing politicians: AWESOME. Criticizing every book or film you come upon: Why? This blog is still pretty new, but if I’m going to take the time to talk about a book or author, 9 times out of 10 it’ll be to give it a positive plug.

Maybe I’m just not angry enough. The only vaguely angry thing I’ve written in the past week was calling William Shatner terrible and Candice Bergen annoying. I get it, though. There’s a lot to be angry about. People are getting laid off, people can’t find jobs. It’s the holidays. I can’t afford my weekly ration of Charles Shaw. (That link is only 1.5 years old and already the once-called “Two-Buck Chuck” is up to $2.99+tax.) Anywho, I have nothing else to say. It’s just that it’s raining and I’m at the Internet cafe and I have a five-block walk uphill ahead of me. Maybe that’s what separates me from other bloggers: They’re angry, I’m lazy.