Is this not the least useful horoscope you’ve ever read:
Sometimes you have to dry clean your dry cleaning and hand-wash your hand-washables.
Where’s the profound astrological meaning in that? Is this some archaic saying homemakers used once upon a time? i.e. Sometimes you have to pick your battles? Sometimes you have pay extra to have someone else take care of the shit that you can’t do yourself because you would ruin it, and sometimes you have to buckle down, use some elbow grease and wash your fucking linens. You made your bed and now you’re gonna lie in it–so long as you hand-washed the embroidered pillowcases and sent the down feather comforter to the dry cleaners first, young lady!
With a little tweaking that bit of wisdom courtesy of Yahoo! Horoscopes could sell a bunch of Dryel (the at-home dry cleaning product). If I were a copywriter it would go a little something like this:
Sometimes you have to hand-wash your hand-washables, but who says you have to dry clean your dry cleaning?
Isn't this guy hilarious? I don't know what he has to do with Dryel, but he comes up when you do an image search for it. I'm going to name him Dreyfus. Dreyfus the Dryel guy.
Also, bizarrely, Dryel’s website may, according to Google, harm your computer! Get a load of this(!!!):
What is the current listing status for dryel.com?
Site is listed as suspicious – visiting this web site may harm your computer.
Part of this site was listed for suspicious activity 10 time(s) over the past 90 days.
What happened when Google visited this site?
Of the 63 pages we tested on the site over the past 90 days, 16 page(s) resulted in malicious software being downloaded and installed without user consent. The last time Google visited this site was on 2009-06-11, and the last time suspicious content was found on this site was on 2009-06-11.
I call foul on the dry cleaners of the world who are clearly conspiring to tarnish Dryel’s spotless reputation. Perhaps Dreyfus will put a stop to this. Though I’m no homemaker, I posit that this is a battle worth choosing. On second thought…
Posted in America, Culture, Humor, Life, Rant, Thoughts, Women
Tagged astrology, dreyfus, dry clean only? dry clean schmonly., dryel, farmer's daughter? farmer's schmaghter!, homemakers, horoscopes, rooster's just another word for cock, yahoo!
Newspaper copy of late that would add fuel to the fire of my mom’s sentiment that I should “move home immediately” because my life, in New York City, is in grave danger:
The next time you have a coughing fit, it might not be the common cold, but the air you are breathing, at least according to a recent report issued by the American Lung Association.
The 10th annual State of the Air Report, released on April 29, found that Queens, along with the Bronx and Manhattan, are the dirtiest counties in the state for particle pollution. The study states that 12.5 million New Yorkers reside in counties where the air pollution can endanger lives. —“Bad air days: Queens fails a pollution test,” Queens Chronicle
The city is polluted?! I think I’ve heard that somewhere before… But this paragraph would really horrify the parental:
Astrology and Tarot cards are my favorite divinatory tools, but I also get a lot of use out of magnetic poetry kits, boxes full of evocative words and symbols in the form of refrigerator magnets. Sometimes, I’ll close my eyes, beam a question out into the ethers, and pluck a few magnets at random from one of my poetry kits. I just did that for you. ‘What are the keys to unlocking the enormous reserves of energy that are potentiall available for Aries folks right now?’ I asked. Here’s the message that came: ‘swooping orgasms & laughing tears.’ (Or it could also be arranged this way: ‘laughing orgasms & swooping tears.’) —Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology, for the week of Apr. 22-28
I bring these articles up because I do have a bit of a cough. And moving home in the somewhat near future is a possibility. (Which tends to complicate orgasms, both swooping and laughing ones.)
As an unpublished blogger…(aside from the college lit magazine and an essay in a textbook about MTV’s NEXT that somehow got published even though I cited this YouTube clip:
“Molly was cool, but if I wanted to date a virgin, I’d date my mom!”
“Do you know who MY father is?”
Must be the Catholic upbringing in me, but it reduces me to teary eyed laughter.)
…so as I was saying, as a semi-unpublished blogger, I found the new Village Voice’s cover story an interesting read. Confession: usually I skip to the back for Free Will Astrology and Savage Love. Sometimes I read a few paragraphs of Musto. Confession #2: I don’t understand those really scary, animosity-filled bloggers who spend all their time criticizing things. Criticizing politicians: AWESOME. Criticizing every book or film you come upon: Why? This blog is still pretty new, but if I’m going to take the time to talk about a book or author, 9 times out of 10 it’ll be to give it a positive plug.
Maybe I’m just not angry enough. The only vaguely angry thing I’ve written in the past week was calling William Shatner terrible and Candice Bergen annoying. I get it, though. There’s a lot to be angry about. People are getting laid off, people can’t find jobs. It’s the holidays. I can’t afford my weekly ration of Charles Shaw. (That link is only 1.5 years old and already the once-called “Two-Buck Chuck” is up to $2.99+tax.) Anywho, I have nothing else to say. It’s just that it’s raining and I’m at the Internet cafe and I have a five-block walk uphill ahead of me. Maybe that’s what separates me from other bloggers: They’re angry, I’m lazy.
Posted in America, Books, Celebrities, Culture, economy, Entertainment, Hangovers, Humor, Life, Politics, Pop Culture, religion, television, Thoughts, TV Shows, Writing
Tagged anger, astrology, bloggers, catholicism, charles shaw, dating shows, jesus, laziness, michael musto, mtv, next, reality television, savage love, the village voice, trader joe's, wine