Tag Archives: bernie madoff

How will you celebrate Kim Jong-Il’s upcoming birthday?

The first thunderstorms of 2009 are slated to hit NYC tonight, and in the mean time, it’s 68 degrees.  Thunderstorms drive me wild–if I had taken the time to write 25 Things About Me on Facebook, that just may have been my #11.  They’re boisterous and rude and they don’t give a shit, which is usually the exact opposite of how I am, so maybe that’s why I find them so appealing. 

Bad weather captures the imagination.  Reminds us that the world is a romantic place.  The local news always treks over to the grocery store and the Home Depot to interview people who have the same thing to say every time–“I need a new shovel!”  “We’re stocking up on bread and milk!”  “I’m buying these jugs of water with my last bit of credit!”

No, really.  I’m washing my clothes right now and I’m pretty sure it’s the last time I’ll be using the laundromat versus just filling up the tub and stepping on my wardrobe while I shower.  They’re closing TWO hospitals in my area next month.  Which would outrage me if I had health insurance.  Instead I lucked out and happen to live with a Registered Nurse who also has a Psych degree for all my physical and emotional health needs. 

And on top of it all, Jennifer Figge is a liar.  Sometimes it seems like people over 50 are more effed up than their younger counterparts–Bernie Madoff, 70 years; Kim Jong-Il, 68 in 6 days!!;  Dick Cheney, 68; Donald Trump, 62; Road Runner of Looney Tunes fame?, 60 years.  Both Bernie Madoff and Donald Trump grew up in Queens, yet they’re so effed up they’re allowing two hospitals in their home borough to shut down.  Unbelievable.  Un-effin-believable.  Here’s a story for the local news: I plan to be non-effed up when I reach my golden years.  I plan to be a beacon of wisdom, embodying the awe of a winter thunderstorm, the practicality of a Home Depot shovel, and the comforting odor of clothes just pulled from the dryer.

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Home Pages, Horoscopes, and Cookies

Lately I’ve been thinking about Home Pages. They say a lot about a person. I mean, it’s the website that you choose to see each and every time you double click on your browser icon. That’s a big deal! Home Pages are like the live-in boyfriends/girlfriends of the Internet. Always there when you come home at night. Sure you might only give them a half-hearted hello and a peck on the cheek and then go off to concentrating on something else, but there’s something about that website that keeps you coming back. There was something about that website that was appealing enough to want to see it multiple times a day.

And just like regular relationships, those between a user and his/her Home Page can get stagnant.  It’s not really exciting anymore, but it would be a hassle to break the routine now.  And you’ve been together for, like, four years, so that must mean something, right?

Okay, I’m done with that comparison.  My Home Page has been Yahoo! for ages.  And I’m thinking, maybe it’s time for a change.  This is just a thought.  More than likely I won’t change it.  Because I do like its enthusiasm(!).  I like its many categories of stuff on the sidebar.  But I never stay there very long.  Sometimes I check out what it thinks the temperature is in my zip code.  Sometimes I read the bizarre, cavity-inducing “news” stories it offers.  And more than sometimes I’ll read my horoscope.  But as of today it has been confirmed.  What used to be my favorite horoscope on the web is now my least favorite.  I don’t know if they’ve always been super vague and reeking of sinister ulterior motives, but check out mine for today:

You should feel comfortable trusting the people who are in power. They are capable.

Dear Mark Lerner at Astrology.com, That is quite possibly the worst advice/horoscope ever.  That’s not a horoscope.  That’s almost as maddening as opening up a fortune cookie and getting a proverb or some other obvious bit of wisdom that’s not quite as wise as a proverb instead of getting an actual fortune.  You know, the thing that you claim resides within the cookie?  I hate that!  When I open my fortune cookie I don’t want to read, Good deeds give you good karma.  I want to read something like, You will meet a mysterious woman in red or You will give birth to a money-making scheme this month.  (Maybe Bernie Madoff ran with that one.) 

But back to that horoscope.  (Aries, by the way.)  Not only is it not a good horoscope, but it’s a dangerous one!  Everyone knows you shouldn’t feel comfortable trusting the people in power.  The past eight years, if I’m not mistaken, have shown us that you should feel extremely UNCOMFORTABLE trusting the people in power.  That’s right, uncomfortable on a Caps Lock level.

So, I won’t be turning to Mark Lerner for any political advice à la the stars, but I would turn to Rob Brezsny.  He’s like the George Clooney of astrology.  Except that I’m not as smitten with George as I am with Rob.  So maybe he’s more like the…dammit, who am I smitten with…OH!  Okay.  Brezsny is the Barack Obama of astrology. 

Hes like the opposite of a ponzi scheme.

He's like the opposite of a ponzi scheme.

For more on psychics, check out this ABC Nightline bit on “Voodoo Economics.”  It’s about corporate psychics and the ridiculous businessmen who use them.  I really hate news correspondents sometimes.  Stop pandering to people who think angels and crystal balls are ridiculous notions.  Start pandering to crazy, head-in-the-cloud women like me.