Tag Archives: CBS

The Local News is My Version of Hell

It’s a joke. A 30-minute disaster of a not-funny joke that makes my skin crawl in much the same way that my apartment is crawling with various infestations. Anyway, tonight I found myself watching the 11pm local news on CBS. I don’t know why. They suck you in with bizarre headlines and you think, “I simply cannot continue living life on this planet if I do not hear about that NYC firefighter who called in fake alarms to keep his station afloat with all these budget cuts threatening to shut it down.” Or something. I missed that report.

But luckily I did catch a fascinating report towards the end of the broadcast, just before Letterman (who had John McCain as his guest, WTF?). It was a “health” report from Dr. Holly Phillips about this not even all that new procedure called a “Y-Lift” that is “even better than a face lift!” It gets its name from the way in which the facial filler is injected into the skin–in a “Y” shape, apparently. A couple posts ago I said the American workaholic mentality was one of my least favorite things about this country. New idea: the American obsession with all things age-defying and anti-wrinkle tops that list. This is how Dr. Holly Phillips finished her important report (more important than all the other things going on in the world? fuck off, CBS):

There is a slight chance of having an allergic reaction to cosmetic fillers. To prevent this, ask your doctor to test a small amount of the filler on the inside of your wrist before injecting it into your face.

Do you hear yourself, Dr. Holly? “INTO YOUR FACE.” Best of all, though, was when it was handed back over to co-anchor Kristine Johnson who made this flub:

The cost of the wife lift procedure starts at about $4,500.

Pretty sure she meant to say Y-Lift…but I’m not going to open up that Freudian slip of worms. I’ll just move right on to the money thing. $4,500?? Are you kidding me? I was outraged at a man on a subway platform tonight using a $1 bill as a bookmark. Seemed like an unnecessary flaunting of wealth. So don’t sit there on your lumbar-supporting chair, misreading your teleprompter, and casually drop a figure like $4,500. We’re all going to be waiting in bread lines come New Years, but hey, at least our faces will be taut.

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Another Hot Mess of a Blog Post

It’s 3am.  I just got home from work.  I’m sitting on the cot meant for camping that we makeshifted into a sofa, there’s a strange man’s sweatshirt suddenly hanging on a hook in our bathroom, and I’m eating crackers, slices of pepperoni, and orange-mango yogurt.  Life really couldn’t be much better.  Sometimes you just need a year or so to lead a lifestyle that some people would find terribly unappealing.  Hence: part-time jobs.

The thing that’s great about part-time jobs is you get to do such ridiculous things and get paid for it (even if it’s not very much).  Sure, no health benefits, no company car, no grueling 12 hour days, but for now at least, I’m happy with the decision. 

Tonight I learned that there’s an HGTV show called Sleep On It about buying houses that uses Meatloaf’s “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” as its theme even though that song is all about 17 year olds having sex in a car (Girl: Will you love me forever? Boy: Let me sleep on it, baby, baby, let me sleep on it).  Whatever.  It’s probably the best duet ever along with Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes’ “Up Where We Belong.”

Al Gore didn’t even need to have Melissa Etheridge write a Grammy winning song for An Inconvenient Truth, he could have just used Joe Cocker: “Love lift us up where we belong / Far from the world we know / Up where the clear winds blow.”

Clearly he’s saying that love offers an escape from the gray wind that is smog in our polluted cities.

Joe and Jennifer making beautiful music.

Joe and Jennifer making beautiful music.