Tag Archives: chicago

Valentine’s Day 2009: Confessions of a chocolate-eating, hulu-watching recluse

Suddenly I find myself overwhelmed, filled with things to discuss about tomorrow’s “holiday.”  When I was in elementary school I decided to make my own valentines for my classmates, only it ended up being really time-consuming and hard, so I didn’t make enough and then I got in trouble.  Alas, I’ve always been mediocre.

Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk about.  Actually, I wanted to talk about Marlene Dietrich, the Golden Age screen vixen.  Remember the beyond mediocre Witty Women daily calendar?  Well, today’s quote comes from her.  The first film I saw her in was 1932’s Blonde Venus.  I wasn’t planning on tracking down the clip, but it’s just so offensive and ridiculous that you kind of have to see it for yourself (especially the 2:30 mark).

But you can’t blame Marlene.  (Don’t you love that name?  The woman who trained me at McDonald’s had that name and she was mean and sexy with a Polish accent and she made me cry.)  Over the summer when I was interning at the Library of Congress I worked with a collection related to the Golden Age and part of the collection was a silver cigarette case that Marlene gave as a gift–it was inscribed with her signature.  It was pretty cool and that’s what Marlene means to me.  So here’s the quote:

It’s the friends that you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.

This quote doesn’t really apply to me…I’m usually still puttering around, wide awake at 4 a.m., but that’s good because it means that anyone can call me at that hour.  Therefore, I matter.  (It’s important for everyone to realize this with tomorrow being Valentine’s and everything.)  

While puttering around last night, I found myself on hulu.  Does anyone else do this?  You rent stuff from the library or the video store, but then you just queue up last night’s Conan or Moonstruck even though a Cher/Nicholas Cage romance doesn’t really do it for you.  So that was me.  I started watching Go.  I had just about come to terms with reuniting with Dawson’s Creek era Katie Holmes when an AXE commercial ruined everything.  I don’t know why I let myself get so distracted by bizarre advertisements.  AXE has been putting out sexist ads for years.  Shouldn’t be a surprise anymore.

It’s been on YouTube since September, but last night was the first time I saw it:

Mainly, I guess I’m just confused.  Yeah, women like chocolate.  But…I feel like I’d just get nauseated if my date reeked of it.  I’d rather receive some actual chocolate.  And enjoy the natural odor of my date.   But then again, I’m listening to my Celine Dion/Bryan Adams/Chicago station on Pandora and reclining on a camping cot in my living room, so what kind of authority am I?

Lastly, while I was watching Ellen yesterday (you’d think I have stay-at-home mom ambitions or something), Steve Harvey presented a theory from his new book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.  He said that employees at Ford Motors don’t receive benefits until they’ve put in 90 days, so women should likewise refrain from sleeping with men for at least 90 days into the relationship.  Wait before giving away “the greatest benefit of all.”  Don’t you find it funny?  You’ve got Steve Harvey putting that out there, and then you’ve got AXE commercials with girls raping a man made of chocolate.  These mixed messages!  No wonder I just hide out in my apartment watching romantic dramedies from the 80s.

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The Mystery of My Dad’s Taste in Music

My dad goes through obsessive phases where he’ll listen to the same thing over and over again for weeks.  And it’s not just one band or one album that he’ll put on repeat–he’ll put the same SONG on repeat.  One time it was “My Heart Will Go On” after he saw Titanic.  Another time it was the Phil Collins song from Tarzan, “You’ll Be In My Heart.” 

My best friend and I once went on a camping trip to Lake George with him and he brought two greatest hits albums: Diana Ross and Rod Stewart.  As a direct result of this trip, one of my favorite songs is now “Maggie May.”  A couple years ago he made a mix that included “Like A Virgin.”  I don’t know what that was about.

Anyway, here are some songs that I especially associate with the padre: 

How creepy is that?!?!  The three ladies in red completely freak me out with those repetitions of “sexy, sexy lady, you just drive me crazy.”  I feel like Julio Iglesias is holding them captive and feeding them various flavors of Slim Fast spiked with mind-controlling drugs. 

This next one took a long time for me to decide on.  He has one of those, like, three disc albums by Chicago, so every song reminds me of him.  But I just heard this song in the grocery store.  I don’t know if anyone else is like this, but when I hear a song I like, I get completely distracted.  I can’t focus on anything else, especially not a conversation.  I drop everything to sing while pumping a fist.  Perhaps the best lyrics ever: “Couldn’t stand to be kept away, just for the day, from your bod-ay.”  The cheese aisle was subjected to my rendition of this a couple weeks ago:

One of his big things is theme songs.  He loves the Superman theme song, but if I hear it I literally have an anxiety attack because I worked at Six Flags one year and when you’re stationed at the Superman ride you hear it your entire shift.  Plus I got scolded hardcore when I was working the Superman ride one day–I let a girl through who was blatantly three feet tall and would have been ejected from the ride.  It wasn’t really my fault, but I won’t get into it. 

The one thing I do have to thank my dad for, though, is playing The Rolling Stones over and over again when I was little.  “Paint It Black” used to freak me out to no end.  But if I had to choose one song to describe myself, it’d probably be this: