Tag Archives: dick clark

A list that, in theory, should have 29 items, but only has 9.

Yesterday was my parents’ 29th wedding anniversary.  According to AnniversaryIdeas.com that means I should have given them…furniture.  Yup.  In honor of your nearly three decades–here’s an ottoman. 

I always forget about their anniversary.  Any reference to the occasion didn’t come up for at least 15 minutes into my conversation with my mom yesterday.  It went something like:

Me: So, it’s pretty rainy today.

Mom: Yeah.  It was a much prettier day 29 years ago when I got married.

In an attempt to attone for forgetting, I will now compile a list (Sesame Street style) of noteworthy things having to do with the number 29.  Here goes. 

  1. The age of my roommate’s new boyfriend.
  2. The number of suspected Somali pirates that Russia detained, as reported by CNN on April 29th.  That’s right.  Two 29s in one.
  3. An amendment to the NOAA’s Fishery Management Plan related to the Grouper and Tilefish Individual Fishing Quota (IFQ) Program in the Gulf of Mexico.
  4. The year in which Dick Clark was born.  (Though born is probably not the best word for it.)
  5. The amount of times you must enter into monogomous marriages in order to tie world record holder Glynn Wolf.

    This may or may not be a photo of Linda Essex, wife 29.

    This may or may not be a photo of Linda Essex, wife 29.

  6. A New York congressional district that this man represents.

    A New York congressional district that this man represents.

  7. The weeks it will take for your fetus to look like this.

    The weeks it will take for your fetus to look like this.

  8. A city I will likely never visit.


  9. A shopping mall in Boulder, CO with supposed job openings at Gymboree, LensCrafters, Mad Greens, Men’s Wearhouse, U.S. Bank, and Vitamin Shoppe. No word on relocation assistance.


Update on item eight on this list, 29 Palms, California, via UrbanDictionary.com:

“A place in the middle of nowhere California full of nothing but Marines, crackheads, Asians and desert rats (also known as ‘Cougars,’ ‘Desert Yetis’ and ‘That bitch that gave me the clap.’) Generally avoided by anyone that has any semblence of a life, and loathed by most that live there. Often subjected to high winds which will hopefully cover it in sand one day.

Person 1: “What the hell is that smell?”
Person 2: “That’s just Twentynine Palms.”

On that note, Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!!!!!!!

Is Laura Bush Actually Dick Clark In Drag? (And Other Burning Questions)

A friend of mine did that thing today that all socially conscious people find themselves doing this time of year–inquiring about New Year’s plans.  It’s kind of that default question that you end up formulating a default answer to because it is, after all, slightly more exciting than the whole “How about this weather?” “It’s unseasonably mild and I’m awfully concerned about those polar bears” thing. 

So that friend of mine.  We had the default New Year’s Q&A session.  He asked, and I told him, “I’m working.”  Because that’s the truth.  And without skipping a beat, he said, “You will be working all year.”  I said, “What?!”  (Because this is a terrifying declaration).  He said (in a tone offering no glimmer of refutable hope), “You won’t stop working.  All year.” 



My friend, it seems, was referring to that idea that what you do on New Year’s sets the tone for the year, it sends your intentions out to the universe, who/which, in turn, sends those intentions right back to you.  Or something. 

Well, I’m a little distraught over this.  More than a little–I’m blogging about it at 5am.  The thing is, I’m highly impressionable.  I’ll hear someone mention a superstition and it will stay with me.  For years.  One of my roommates once told me that any time we walked on opposite sides of a large metal object we had to say “Hello” to each other or we would get in a fight.  And we had to say “Hello” in Russian.  Because it was a Russian superstition.  From my Russian roommate. 

But here’s my plan.  I’m not calling out of work because I get paid double for that shift.  Instead, I’m going to go to CVS, get my passport photo taken, and bring those to work with me.  Dear universe, my intent for 2009 is to travel, okay?  I hear there are actually some countries that are not war-torn at the moment, so the prospects are limited but exciting nonetheless.  Thank you kindly.

This passport thing is a whole ‘nother ranting post just waiting to happen.  Why do we need documentation to travel our own damn planet?  Why do we go to the drug store to get photos taken ($6.99+tax) and then the post office to fill out an application that must be witnessed that takes, like, 3 years for them to approve and send to you?  (Not that I know, I haven’t done it.)  And it costs an additional $100.  You can’t even get into Canada without a passport now.  What is the world coming to?

Speaking of Laura Bush, she made a statement on the shoe throwing incident and told whoever took the time to listen to her that she “wasn’t amused.”  As someone who misleadingly presents themselves as a current librarian when really she only entertains the occasional thought of becoming one in the future…I feel a strange bond with this former librarian.  And here’s what I think: she’s a liar.  If someone throws their shoes at your husband you laugh.  Slapstick comedy 101, no?  Whatever.  She’s terrifying.  I never spoke of her to begin with.