Tag Archives: ellen degeneres

What’s Wrong With Me? (Cougars and Cupcakes Edition)

Upon doing research, I have learned that in order to make my eye stop twitching I need to stop thinking about my eye’s twitching…but here I am writing about it.

One of those WebMd-like websites confirmed what I already knew: that it is brought on by excessive fatigue or stress. It’s been going on (off and on) for about 24 hours now. I haven’t had this long of an eye twitch spell since one year ago when I had an internship with a non-profit production company headed by two terrible women.  They were purebred passive-aggressive bitches. 

Is that a Stump, or are you just happy to see me?

Is that a Stump, or are you just happy to see me?

One day, in the pouring rain, they sent me to fetch gluten-free cupcakes downtown.  That wasn’t why I quit, but it was the icing on the cupcake so to speak, and when I returned (sopping wet…like a dog?) I entered their office to speak my piece. On the way out I said, “Enjoy your cupcakes.” I’m not sure if they realized I didn’t mean it…

Anyway, the eye twitch is back. I think I’m just tired. I plan to sleep in tomorrow and wake up in time to see Ellen DeGeneres rip Jason Mesnick a new one. I, for some reason, am not all that outraged that he dumped Melissa and got with Molly five minutes later on national television, which must make me a bad person? Normal social/sexual mores just don’t apply in the world of “The Bachelor.” And whatever. Melissa annoyed me because she was all like, “I’m so close to being the happiest I’ve ever been. All I need is this man to put a diamond on my finger. Then and only then will I be truly happy.” NO! The only person responsible for your happiness is YOU, Melissa.

Now back to the whole what’s-wrong-with-me thing–lately celebrities keep showing up in my dreams.  Here’s what the Dream Moods dictionary has to say:

To see a celebrity in your dream, represents your beliefs and understanding about him or her. Something in you waking life has triggered these similar beliefs and feelings. It is not uncommon that your obsession with a certain celebrity may carry over onto your dream world. Celebrities are often seen as heroes and all that is mighty. Also consider any puns within the name.

To dream that you are having sex with a celebrity, indicates your drive to be successful. Consider what movies you associate this celebrity with or what makes this celebrity famous for clues as to where and what you want to achieve success in.

Here are three celebrities that I may or may not have had sex with in my dreams the past few nights:

Russell Brand.  Recently watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall--he has a lot of sex in the movie.  Also, keep seeing ads for his Comedy Central special.  Did not realize his hair is always like that.

Russell Brand. Recently watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall--he has a lot of sex in the movie. Also, keep seeing ads for his Comedy Central special. Did not realize his hair is always like that.

Gary Le Vox, lead singer of Rascal Flatts.  We didnt have sex, but he totally wanted to.

Gary Le Vox, lead singer of Rascal Flatts. We didn't have sex, but he totally wanted to.

Tom Brokaw.  What is the male equivalent of a cougar?

Tom Brokaw. What is the male equivalent of a "cougar"?

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Valentine’s Day 2009: Confessions of a chocolate-eating, hulu-watching recluse

Suddenly I find myself overwhelmed, filled with things to discuss about tomorrow’s “holiday.”  When I was in elementary school I decided to make my own valentines for my classmates, only it ended up being really time-consuming and hard, so I didn’t make enough and then I got in trouble.  Alas, I’ve always been mediocre.

Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk about.  Actually, I wanted to talk about Marlene Dietrich, the Golden Age screen vixen.  Remember the beyond mediocre Witty Women daily calendar?  Well, today’s quote comes from her.  The first film I saw her in was 1932’s Blonde Venus.  I wasn’t planning on tracking down the clip, but it’s just so offensive and ridiculous that you kind of have to see it for yourself (especially the 2:30 mark).

But you can’t blame Marlene.  (Don’t you love that name?  The woman who trained me at McDonald’s had that name and she was mean and sexy with a Polish accent and she made me cry.)  Over the summer when I was interning at the Library of Congress I worked with a collection related to the Golden Age and part of the collection was a silver cigarette case that Marlene gave as a gift–it was inscribed with her signature.  It was pretty cool and that’s what Marlene means to me.  So here’s the quote:

It’s the friends that you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.

This quote doesn’t really apply to me…I’m usually still puttering around, wide awake at 4 a.m., but that’s good because it means that anyone can call me at that hour.  Therefore, I matter.  (It’s important for everyone to realize this with tomorrow being Valentine’s and everything.)  

While puttering around last night, I found myself on hulu.  Does anyone else do this?  You rent stuff from the library or the video store, but then you just queue up last night’s Conan or Moonstruck even though a Cher/Nicholas Cage romance doesn’t really do it for you.  So that was me.  I started watching Go.  I had just about come to terms with reuniting with Dawson’s Creek era Katie Holmes when an AXE commercial ruined everything.  I don’t know why I let myself get so distracted by bizarre advertisements.  AXE has been putting out sexist ads for years.  Shouldn’t be a surprise anymore.

It’s been on YouTube since September, but last night was the first time I saw it:

Mainly, I guess I’m just confused.  Yeah, women like chocolate.  But…I feel like I’d just get nauseated if my date reeked of it.  I’d rather receive some actual chocolate.  And enjoy the natural odor of my date.   But then again, I’m listening to my Celine Dion/Bryan Adams/Chicago station on Pandora and reclining on a camping cot in my living room, so what kind of authority am I?

Lastly, while I was watching Ellen yesterday (you’d think I have stay-at-home mom ambitions or something), Steve Harvey presented a theory from his new book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.  He said that employees at Ford Motors don’t receive benefits until they’ve put in 90 days, so women should likewise refrain from sleeping with men for at least 90 days into the relationship.  Wait before giving away “the greatest benefit of all.”  Don’t you find it funny?  You’ve got Steve Harvey putting that out there, and then you’ve got AXE commercials with girls raping a man made of chocolate.  These mixed messages!  No wonder I just hide out in my apartment watching romantic dramedies from the 80s.