Not one of your pertinent ancestors was squashed, devoured, drowned, starved, stranded, stuck fast, untimely wounded, or otherwise deflected from its life’s quest of delivering a tiny charge of genetic material to the right partner at the right moment in order to perpetuate the only possible sequence of hereditary combinations that could result–eventually, astoundingly, and all too briefly–in you. —Bill Bryson, A Short History of Nearly Everything
That same, shockingly, goes for all of these people:
Posted in Celebrities, Culture, Life, Men, Pop Culture, Rant, Rave
Tagged bill bryson, existence, jay leno, jersey shore, kim jong-il
Kind of intimidating deciding what to write about in this new Obama climate. I racked my brain and I racked my brain. I thought maybe I’d write about Garth Brook’s performance at the We Are One shindig. (There was this big chorus of super excited children behind him and it made me feel fuzzy.) Thought I’d complain about how my dad kept yelling “Nobama!” during the inauguration ceremony. (Decided not to even spread his negative energy.) Anyway, in the end, I just decided to focus on late night television.
Despite ranting about Jay Leno
one week ago, I caught the show last night and I’ve come to a new conclusion or two. There were two Hooters waitresses featured. They traveled from Denver to meet Mo Rocca in D.C. where they proceeded to reinforce popular stereotypes about attractive women with…the type of breasts and booties that fill out a Hooters uniform. So that was kind of disappointing. They compared the rotunda of the Capital Building to a big boob, which, okay, was kind of funny. And one of them mistook the Watergate scandal as somehow having to do with Julia Roberts and Erin Brockovich.
Only reason I have trouble finding too much humor in the whole thing: I know there are some Hooters waitresses out there with more to contribute to the world than their bodies and their lack of knowledge. So, rather than blame society and America and all of man and womankind…I’ll just blame Jay Leno.
I ❤ pornographic structures.
That said, Jay Leno made me infinitely happy because in addition to the Hooters waitresses who broke my heart a little, he had the CUTEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD on the show, too! I hadn’t heard of her, but she runs an antique business with her husband in Fresno and she discovered the oldest baseball card in a box.
Bernice Gallego YAYYYYY!
At the end of the show, the lead singer of Buckcherry gave Bernice a prolonged hug. Which was this amazing combination of bizarre, awkward, and wonderfully adorable, because, you know….he looks likes this:
Plus he sings that whole, “Hey, you’re a crazy bitch, but you fuck so good I’m on top of it. When I dream, I’m doin’ you all night…”
Maybe it was just the overall beautiful feeling of inauguration day, but something about the elderly woman and tattooed man above embracing one another–it still makes me want to cry tears of joy.
Posted in America, Celebrities, Culture, Entertainment, Humor, Life, music, Pop Culture, Rant, Rave, television, Thoughts
Tagged barack obama, bernice gallego, buckcherry, erin brockovich, hooters, inauguration, jay leno, julia roberts, mo rocca, watergate, we are one
I'm Jay Leno. I own a lot of cars.
When I was younger I had it in my head that Jay Leno was a funny guy. I’ve since reversed my position. I’ve also reversed my position on Letterman who I thought was just another one of Regis Philbin’s unfunny friends. Oh, sidenote–why is Regis doing commercials for Sweet’N Low no-calorie, yes-cancer sweetener? Apparently this ad has been out for awhile, but I just caught it. Regis is in the back of a cab and the Pink Panther is the cab driver. That dude is everywhere. He and Kelly Ripa are literally the spokespeople for EVERY bank. Or maybe just for Commerce that became TD Bank. I can’t keep up with bank mergers.
Okay, so back to the Leno thing. I caught the show last night. Mickey Rourke and Toni Collette were on. Both of the things they were plugging I’m pretty eager to see. Rourke was really genuine while they were talking, but Leno just came across as…it just hit me…he came across like Quagmire from Family Guy. Full of loud things to say, but too narcissistic and horny for attention to have any visible compassion. Honestly, I really think Quagmire is the better man…
So, here’s my solution to the problem that is Jay Leno. The majority of people seemed pretty excited that he was leaving the Tonight Show, only to find out about this 10 o’clock slot crap.
I propose that Jay’s 10 o’clock show be handed over to the much funnier, much more human Ross the Intern from the show. They had him cover the red carpet at the Golden Globes and compared to Jay’s monologue which garnered a chuckle or two, Ross the Intern had me swimming in tears of laughter. I can’t find the clip of his coverage from the Globes, but click here for him covering Elton John’s Oscar Party. Ross to Diddy: “You can be the Kelly to my Regis!”
Posted in Celebrities, Culture, Entertainment, film, Humor, Life, Men, Pop Culture, Rant, Rave, television, Thoughts, TV Shows
Tagged elton john's oscar party, family guy, jay leno, mickey rourke, quagmire, regis philbin, ross the intern, the golden globes, toni collette