Maybe I have no business ranting about wrinkle cream seeing as I’m more on the pubescent side of life than the menopausal. But nonetheless, I’m a woman, and it pains me to my estrogen-filled core when I see Diane Lane pimping out a bottle of this Neutrogena age-defying crap. In her best spokeswoman voice, she purrs, “Use Neutrogena Anti-Wrinkle Intensive for just 4 weeks and it’s clinically-proven retinol formula will smooth even the deepest wrinkles. So choose: beautiful in the jar, or in the mirror?”
The ad came on during my roommate’s soap earlier and I yelled, “We age, we die, accept it Neutro-fucking-gena!” My roommate said something along the lines of One Life to Live is on, I could not care less about whatever you’re angry about. Okay, she didn’t say anything along those lines. But really. These bottles are literally 2 ounces and cost upwards of 20 dollars. A little poking around drugstore.com, you find that most of them are Out of Stock. Great. Now what do I do about my pesky laugh lines?
I hate the Diane Lanes and Andie MacDowells of the world accepting gigs that make woman feel bad about the lack of elasticity in their skin and the abundance of gray in their hair. Not that it’s completely their fault, but why can’t they be more like Mia Farrow and make documentaries about Darfur, instead?
Speaking of Mia Farrow, she used to be married to Woody Allen, who used Diane Keaton in a film or two, who is another one of these mature actresses that I’m a little concerned for. There is obviously a terrible lack of good roles for the mature actress when she accepts a role as Dax Shepard’s mother. Not even Dax Shepard’s actual mother wants that role.
Smother airs on Lifetime sometime this month, which must mean it’s pretty terrible since it was released at the end of September. Dax Shepard is like a dirty blond Zach Braff or something. It’s weird. I loved him in Zathura: A Space Adventure, though. Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed the Jumanji sequel. It’s okay. Jon Favreau directed it.