Queens Says, “Take Your Dream House Elsewhere, Barbie.”

Starting to see a recurring theme in my posts: Craigslist. I’m becoming kind of a CL expert, especially when it comes to responding to jobs that I’m not qualified for at all. A week or two ago I responded to a post with the headline: “Talented Lyricist Needed For Off-Broadway Production.” They wanted a short bio explaining your theater and music experience along with two writing samples. So this is what I told them:

Interested Lyricist

Hello,

Hope to be considered for the lyricist gig. I’ve been involved in music and theater since I was young, including acting, singing, playwriting, and lyric writing. I’m also a poet and I contribute satirical rap lyrics to a music producer. I constantly change lyrics to popular songs so that they lend themselves to different situations.

Attached are two writing samples. If you’d like to see something else more in line with your project or listen to one of the rap songs let me know. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Maribeth

Everything I said is true, but notice how I make myself sound way more important than I actually am. That’s the key to getting people to write back. For instance, the “music producer” that I contribute satirical rap lyrics to? That’s just my friend who makes beats on his computer. And the whole, involved in music and theater “since I was young”…you can’t tell them that you’re not about to cash in on Social Security. Pretty obvious stuff, I guess.

Here are some of my favorite Craigslist headlines I’ve seen lately:

Double Dutch Instructor

I never learned how to double dutch. Those jump ropes looked so dangerous.

**Help Barbie Find Her Dream House**

This one offended me. You should definitely NOT help Barbie find her dream house. That girl needs to learn how to take care of herself, i.e., brush her own hair, pick out her own little outfits, and stop relying on pre-pubescent children to do it for her.

$80 Cash! + $30 Toy! + Pizza! For Warehouse Work Tomorrow!

I responded to this one, but they never called. And I’m really qualified, too! I’ve worked in two factories and on a tobacco farm. Look how sweet the $30 toy is.

 Oh well.  I would’ve had to trek to Park Slope, which would’ve been a pain.  Brooklyn thinks it is soooo cool.