Tag Archives: moms

Drinking malt beverages, pickin’ up hos–you know, just another Saturday night.

Do you ever take a moment to reflect upon what you’re doing at any given time and find yourself thinking things like, “Wow.  I never thought I’d find myself spending a year in Malawi with the Peace Corps!”  Or, “This is absolutely insane.  I’m about to sign my name on this release form at which point network executives will have full authority to edit everything I do and say for the next four months however they maliciously see fit in order to procure the highest ratings.”   

My moment came about ten minutes ago as I was readying my camera to take a photograph of the banana bread I’d just baked, a photograph that I would then e-mail to my mom along with a message saying something along the lines of, “Look what I did on my Saturday night!”  So, yeah.  I realized that I’m swiftly turning not into the extremely cool, edgy woman I assumed I’d be, and instead into…I don’t know.  A pathetic, bread-eating woman who listens to Rod Stewart at a reasonable volume so as not to disturb the neighbors she occasionally hears having sex next door.  I’m becoming that aunt who you see on the holidays.  She always has crumbs on her improperly buttoned shirt and she’s alarmingly out of touch with current events and popular culture. 

Okay, I don’t really think I’m that far gone, but there is still some cause for concern.  But, seriously–the bread turned out really good.  I’m not going to force you to look at it, because that would be a new low for me, but if you want to look at how awesome my banana bread turned out… click here!

Scare Tactics

Newspaper copy of late that would add fuel to the fire of my mom’s sentiment that I should “move home immediately” because my life, in New York City, is in grave danger:

The next time you have a coughing fit, it might not be the common cold, but the air you are breathing, at least according to a recent report issued by the American Lung Association.

The 10th annual State of the Air Report, released on April 29, found that Queens, along with the Bronx and Manhattan, are the dirtiest counties in the state for particle pollution.  The study states that 12.5 million New Yorkers reside in counties where the air pollution can endanger lives. —Bad air days: Queens fails a pollution test,” Queens Chronicle

The city is polluted?!  I think I’ve heard that somewhere before…  But this paragraph would really horrify the parental:

Astrology and Tarot cards are my favorite divinatory tools, but I also get a lot of use out of magnetic poetry kits, boxes full of evocative words and symbols in the form of refrigerator magnets.  Sometimes, I’ll close my eyes, beam a question out into the ethers, and pluck a few magnets at random from one of my poetry kits.  I just did that for you. ‘What are the keys to unlocking the enormous reserves of energy that are potentiall available for Aries folks right now?’ I asked.  Here’s the message that came: ‘swooping orgasms & laughing tears.’ (Or it could also be arranged this way: ‘laughing orgasms & swooping tears.’) —Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology, for the week of Apr. 22-28

I bring these articles up because I do have a bit of a cough.  And moving home in the somewhat near future is a possibility.  (Which tends to complicate orgasms, both swooping and laughing ones.)

The مهبل and other topics (but not Cher’s مهبل)

I promise not to devote this post to the word vagina, but I do feel like I need to pay regular homage to the word and the genitalia since it now refers so many people to my blog…my blog that I neglect terribly.  So, I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll try to seamlessly allude to the vagina in some way in every post from now on.  Or maybe not.  Anyway, in case you were wondering how to write it in Persian, here it is: مهبل. 

On to less important things!  Back in January I explored my questionable habit of talking about my mom and the people/places/things she likes with too much frequency.  Then yesterday I realized that I’ve been neglecting to tap into the flip side: things she doesn’t like! 

It came up while on the phone with her the other day.  I mentioned that I had watched Moonstruck for the second time in three months the night before, and how much I’d enjoyed the experience.  And that’s when she declared, “I don’t like Cher.” It wasn’t said offhandedly either. It was said in a tone that implied some sort of deep disgust and disapproval with the woman. I’ll have to investigate.

Myself, I’m kind of indifferent about Cher.  I remember it was awkward when she guest starred on “Will & Grace.”  And I remember being exposed to all sorts of biographical information on her when Sonny Bono died.  How she used to have terrible stage fright.  How the light rock favorites radio stations love to play her songs (especially “The Shoop Shoop Song”).  How she has long hair.  Stuff like that.

Anyway, Nicholas Cage’s performance in the clip below blows my mind.  I want to memorize the lines, dress up in an apron, chop off part of my hand, and recreate his performance because it looks like he’s having that much fun.  His character is just insane (I especially like the “HUH? SWEETIE?” part).  God, it’s sexy. And, it’s a little tragic. Nowadays Nicholas Cage is all whored out in those Disney action-adventure movies meant to rape families of a hard-earned 50 bucks. Also, I worry about his gaunt face and rapidly thinning hair. I know there’s that whole aging process thing, but what happened to this dude:

Hmm. I didn’t know Cher was so feisty! An illuminating conversation with Sonny, Cher, and Dave:

The Things We Do For Love

Oh snap!

Oh snap!

Imagine one of these billboards placed in, say, Effingham, Illinois right next to the world’s biggest:

I saw multiple giant crosses while driving from Massachusetts to Arizona a couple years ago, and the sight never got less alarming.  It’s like…highway, highway, tractor trailer truck, highway, blinding sun, and BAM! GIANT CROSS!  My friend and I had this game going.  First person to see a cactus was entitled to a free beer.  First person to see a free range buffalo: beer.  His ideas were all things from nature, while mine were things like, first person to see a giant, tacky thing on top of a building:

It’s a great game because no one really loses.  But yeah, had I realized that there was such an abundance of giant crosses in Middle America…that would have definitely been one of my road trip drinking game items. 

It’s funny because…that Darwin billboard was one of the first things I saw when I woke up this morning.  (I roll over, open up my phone, check my e-mail, lament that I’ve received no e-mails, and then I click on random links provided by my mobile browser.)  So I was like, WOW!  Religious people are gonna freak!  Then, my mom calls a little while ago and is like, “I found this poetry contest you WILL enter.”  (She means business.)  Then she adds, “If you want to.”  She goes on to explain that it’s sponsored by the Christian Poets Guild…  This so-called guild doesn’t seem to have a website, it just seems to advertise its poetry contests in small newspapers around the country, such as “The Eagle” out of Byron, TX, the “Hot Springs Village Voice” out of Arkansas, and my very own “Pennysaver” out of Western Massachusetts.   

So this is suspicious.  She’s suggested this contest to me before and I’ve always been like, “Yes, I’ll look into it,” when really I’m thinking, “Praise Darwin.”  …Then Mom tells me that I can enter online at freecontest.com.  Moms don’t tend to know these things, but a web address like that is highly questionable!  It’s usually smart to avoid any URL with “free” or “contest” in it, and this one has both.  If you’re brave enough to click the link, you’ll see that this contest in no way looks legit.  My mom was so excited about it, though, that I might risk having my identity stolen or being sold into sex trafficking just to make her happy…