Tag Archives: mr. coffee

Hello, February–Don’t You Love Hangovers?

Isn't it terrifying?

Oh, hey!  It’s the last day of January!!  I’m not usually awake at this hour, but my roommate got a job and to celebrate we did what all employed people do–drank, danced, debauchered.  I scored a business card from a man named Angelo who is likely not the father of my future 14 children.  Woke up to eat a waffle, determine the level of my dehydration, and add Angelo on Facebook. 

You know what else happened last night? I was pooped on by a pigeon. For the first time ever! It really wasn’t surprising because I was walking underneath the above ground subway which is where loads of them sleep at night. There’s literally a carpet of pigeon droppings on the sidewalk beneath it. It happened to this middle aged guy who me and the roommate were hanging out with last weekend, but I didn’t know him very well so I didn’t tell him. Some landed on his face and dried there. I felt a little like a jerk for not informing him, but I was also jealous so it’s okay.

Here are some search terms used to find my blog that make up for the untimely death of Mr. Coffee:

Celine Dion t-shirts

My favorite Celine song is “Taking Chances.” I also enjoy that one that starts off “The whispers in the morning. Of lovers sleeping tight. Are rolling like thunder now.” She speaks my language, you know?

milf pixar

Bespectacled Aardvarks...every girls weakness.

Aardvarks are every girl's weakness.

I’m sexually attracted to lots of animated characters.  Bob the Builder. Patti Mayonnaise. Diego.  I just don’t remember many Pixar MILFs…I guess the kid’s mom from Toy Story was hot?


Keanu Reeves alcoholic

People are so mean to Keanu. 😦

back scratching chihuahua

That’s stupid.

dick embarresing

I don’t know how to spell, either.  Men who are illiterate are right up there with aardvarks.

פיונה אפל

A Google Images search concludes that that’s how you write “Fiona Apple” in…a language I’m not familiar with.

Tommy Lee Jones, Tommy Lee Jone, and Tomy Lee Jones are pretty popular, too.  Thank goodness my mom likes him.

Toilets, Moustaches, and Other Sexy Topics

Though it’s probably divulging too much, I want to set the scene of my thoughts: Occasionally I blog from the bathroom.  I don’t use it, but I do sit on a closed toilet seat.  Why?  Because it’s sexy.  And my roommate is sleeping and my typing is boisterous. 

Okay, the typing probably wouldn’t disturb her, and Freud might conclude that I’m stuck in the anal phase, but in case you were wondering, yes, yes I do write atop a miracle of modern plumbing.  Take out the shit and it’s just another room.  (Someone tell Andrews McCeel to publish that last bit in their next womanly calendar.)

Just now, before making my way to the toilet, I commuted home from work.  There are all these advertisements up in the subway for Tyler Perry’s new flick, Madea Goes to Jail.  Some smart aleck decided to draw a moustache on Madea’s face. 

Thing is, Madea is ALREADY a man.  It’s one thing to facial hair the New In Town poster’s Renee Zellweger  or the Canon ad’s Maria Sharapova, but Tyler Perry can grow his own.  Way to waste your time with ironic graffiti.  Time to take the magic marker back to the fourth grade, amateur.   

Finally, I never thought I’d find myself writing an obituary, but an important man in my life recently died.  His name was Mr. Coffee and he performed beautifully up until two days ago.  I loved the odors he emitted.  I loved the flirtateous little noises he made that let me know he was working.  Mostly, I loved the jittery feeling I got whenever I was around him. 

Bastard will be missed.

Bastard will be missed.