Well, this isn’t a particularly new topic seeing as a Google search yields over 8 million results for “going to the movies alone.” I agree with Randy from result #2 in his 2004 rant: “Movies are geared for people to be alone, yet every time I mention to someone that I went to a movie alone, I get a shocked look of disbelief at my actions… and I don’t get that.” Randy also questions that awkward American tradition of going to the movies on a first date. Yeah, I’ve been there. It was me and an unemployed white rapper who was soon to be a police cadet. When he called to confirm our plans he was making a turkey sandwich, so he said he was going to make me one, too. Yeah. Then he didn’t. He thought it was a big joke. Showed up to the theatre SANS sandwich. Let me emphasize this:
I may joke about a lot of things, but I never joke about sandwiches.
That said, I get great pleasure in going to the movies alone. It makes other people feel bad for you and I can use all the misplaced pity I can get. So, I decided to make a list of my most memorable solo experiences at the movies.
- Wall-E Scene: Weekend matinee in a Bethesda, MD shopping mall. Well-groomed children who have been told never to venture onto the Green Line are accompanied by grandmothers with canvas bags containing their knitting needles and Metamucil. Anyway, this was a great experience because there’s so little dialogue in that movie. And I liked how the robots were kind of androgynous. And I liked all the fat people on the space station. And I liked how the general consensus from the rest of the theatre was “Well, that was different” at the end. The one possible downfall of seeing a weekend matinee of a Pixar film, of course, is having your pedophiliac motivations discovered. So do control yourself.
- Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason Scene: Lower Manhattan. This is the perfect movie to see by yourself because Bridget Jones will inevitably be more pathetic than you are. More importantly, when Colin Firth and Hugh Grant promise turkey sandwiches you’d better believe they deliver.
- Harold & Kumar: Escape From Guantanamo Scene: Chinatown, Washington, DC, weekday matinee. This was great because there were two other people in the theatre, both alone, both male. And there I am in the back of the theatre, female, alone, laughing more than they are at a movie seemingly geared for dudes. If I could be reincarnated as any gay man, hands down, Neil Patrick Harris is my choice.
P.S. Someone found my blog via the tag “violent baby jokes.” This makes me infinitely happy. Another person searched the words “Is Kathleen Turner gay?” to find my blog. This just makes me laugh. And feel ridiculous for being a little curious myself. One thing is sure, they did not find the answer here.