Tag Archives: santa claus

I do need a job…

This Craigslist post has left me completely confounded.  They’re looking for people to work full-time December 1st-23rd to create one-of-a-kind toys for children in need.  If selected for the job, they will pay for you to fly to Alaska where you will stay in Santa’s Village in Northpole, Alaska, be paid $25/hr, and “be back with your families just in time for Christmas!”

Sounds like the premise of a low-budget slasher film.  But they do promise I’ll be back with my family in time for Christmas…  (I guess Santa’s workshop isn’t looking for anyone who celebrates any of the other holidays, such as Hanukkah Dec. 1st-9th.)

Also confusing is that this opportunity is listed as a “Sarah Palin Economic Initiative.”  It’s so ridiculous that I’m afraid it might be for real.  Does anyone know anything about this?  Is Sarah Palin funding a bizarre toy workshop in Northpole, Alaska?

The official website (WorkForSanta.com) also looks suspect.  The free apartments in the “dream village” offer these amenities:

• Fireplace

• Queen sized bed

• Flat screen television

• Full kitchen

• Full bathroom

• Meals included and provided daily

Also, “Aside from the luxurious sleeping quarters, we have put together a modern holiday lodge that truly exemplifies the spirit of Christmas. The main lodge contains a heated indoor swimming pool and whirlpool, as well as a sauna. There is a large gathering room where we encourage all of our employees to relax and mingle on nights and weekends. The gathering room contains a large beautifully decorated Christmas tree and a lovely fireplace. We also have a full concierge and a coffee bar with complimentary beverages for all of our guests.”

Yayyyyy!

Note: I was going to put a photo of Sarah Palin at the top of this post, but when I got to Google Images, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Also, this quote from the site does sound an awful lot like Palin rhetoric: “We need to have hope because we can, and will, rise up once again and reclaim our status as a financially stable, independent and respected country.”

Oh, screw it.  Let’s look at her!

Santa's helper?

What Elton John lacks in hair…

It took me a really long time to realize that Elton John was gay.  It wasn’t at all like realizing that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, but I want to make that comparison anyway.  I guess because I love Elton John.  Not in a childlike, deer-eyed way, but in a mature, jaded way. 

Elton’s been on my mind lately.  Mostly because I just realized that he wears a toupee.  I don’t know why I’m so far behind on my Elton realizations…  But also I’ve been listening to him.  Reminiscing about him.  When I was younger, if I was driving with my parents, I would get uncomfortable when “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues” came on the radio, because it goes like,

And I guess that’s why
They call it the blues
Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that’s why
They call it the blues

Whoa!  How can you not enjoy that as a chorus?  Children, lovers, blues.  Those are my favorite things right there.  Except for children.

john-and-taupin

Bernie Taupin there is to thank for those lyrics.  What a stud, right?  He pulls off that hair and sort-of turtleneck exceedingly well.  It’s nuts.

In conclusion, Elton John’s hilarious.  Lady Gaga should wear some of his outfits from the early 80s.  Particularly his glasses.  And also, I suppose, some of his wigs from right now.

One last thing.  This “I Want Love” song has always done it for me.  It’s dark.  Yet hopeful.  And Robert Downey, Jr. is in this video, which just may have started my love affair with him.  This video would also make an interesting thesis.  One could write all about love, sex, and attractive men who are empty inside like a marble-floored mansion.  But they’ve still got those chandeliers waiting to be lit in the foyer of their heart and the ballroom of their loins:

Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or did you forget to take your Enzyte?

On Monday night’s two-hour series finale of “Boston Legal” (that I never dreamed I would find myself watching), William Shatner joined in a civil union with James Spader and Candice Bergen married a jolly looking Jewish man.  But this post isn’t about how terrible William Shatner is or how annoying Candice Bergen was in Miss Congeniality.   This post is about penises!

At one point in Part 1, Candice Bergen tells James Spader, “You really are something.”  And he replies, “Usually when women say that it means the Enzyte is working.”  He made a funny!  Anyway, that reminded me of a paper I wrote earlier this year called, “The Politics of Santa Claus’ Penis: Masculine Fantasy in Enzyte Advertisement.”

In light of the holiday season, I thought I would post the Enzyte ad I wrote about and a couple excerpts from the 5 page paper.

Representations of the phallus abound at the office holiday party: a woman in an elf costume holds the North Pole, men ram each other with reindeer antlers, and all the men (except Bob) wear ties, phallic representations of their social status in public work. The men bow down to Bob and the women line up to sit on his lap. He embodies the perfection that Enzyte claims to sell. His huge grin never falls, and Enzyte promises the same about the naturally enhanced erection he has obtained “after a few short weeks.”

And the conclusion:

The Santa Bob Enzyte ad’s use of overdetermined phallic innuendo could be mistaken as harmless, but this is far from reality. Not only does it reinforce traditional gender roles and patriarchy, but it succeeds in perpetuating masculine insecurity, which can lead to shame, violence, and monthly payments of $19.95. Unlike Smiling Bob’s costume, the very real consequences of Enzyte advertisement cannot be removed from society as easily as a Santa suit.