Tag Archives: spirituality

Wish I Was Named After A Fatty Food

Note: I’m watching the Live Your Best Life webcast on Spirituality and turns out…the guy I call Reverend Bacon in this post is actually Reverend Beckwith. Sorry.

Oprah’s doing a whole week of episodes dedicated to the theme “Live Your Best Life.”  Today’s episode was Spirituality 101.  I called my mom during a commercial break to tell her to watch, and it was cool because she was ALREADY watching.  Which isn’t all that weird, since she watches it sometimes.

I’m not a big Oprah fan, but today’s show was a nice little therapy session.  It left you overcome with the feeling, “Yes, everything will be all right.”  People skype’d in with questions for her panel of expert spiritual people–one woman was on the brink of losing her bakery and all of her assets along with it, another woman was angry about her mom’s cancer diagnosis, and one man accumulated debt instead of accepting his gay identity.  Then Oprah played clips of past shows and past guests that had served as “spiritual teachers” for her.  My favorite was this guy John Diaz who survived a horrific plane crash.  He was the most composed, level-headed dude.  The least likely dude to be convinced of anything after watching an Oprah course on spirituality.  The least likely dude to listen to anything that Reverend Bacon here has to say:


(Diaz on the left, Bacon on the right, in case it needed clarification.)

But Diaz had the coolest story about his plane crash. 

“Two years ago, John Diaz was here talking about surviving a horrific plane crash,” Oprah says. “What he said that day is something that I know so many of you who heard it will never forget.”

After the plane crashed, John says he saw people strapped into their seats, burning. As he watched, he says he noticed what appeared to be auras leaving their bodies, some brighter than others. “I thought, ‘The brightness and dimness of the auras were how one lives one’s life,’ so to speak,” he says. “That’s one of the major things that really has changed within me … I want to live my life so my aura, when it leaves, is very bright.”

So that’s my basic goal for 2009–douse my aura with lighter fluid and throw a match.

That said, Thursday you can catch Suze Orman for Money 101 (did you know she’s a lesbian??)  and Friday’s episode is Sex 101. 

Speaking of Sex 101, the porn industry is asking for a federal bailout?  That’s cool…

Religiously Fanatical, Humbert Humbert-like, Alcoholic Man–quit your leering! Thanks.

There was one of those creepy men on the subway just now.  The kind who operate on this whole new level of creepy–they stare as though you are the Virgin Mary or Lolita or a tall, strong drink that must be picked up and ingested as soon as possible.  You look up from your subway reading to find crazed eyes not just staring back at you, but staring back at you as though they have never NOT been staring at you.  It’s not normal, I say.  Leave me to my New Age self-help spirituality book, dammit!

Thanksgiving is upon us!  Things I’m thankful for this year:

  • That I’m not still in contact with the 34-year-old guy I met last Thanksgiving.
  • That I was not ingested like a tall, strong drink by the subway man. 
  • That I have a job, especially one that puts me on the subway at the kind of hours during which men looking to ingest tall, strong women roam the cars.
  • That I now have approximately three pairs of pants to rotate wearing.

Still a couple more days to tweak the list.  If you like lists and indirect references to bestiality, do check out my BILF list from yesterday.