Tag Archives: the bachelor

What’s Wrong With Me? (Cougars and Cupcakes Edition)

Upon doing research, I have learned that in order to make my eye stop twitching I need to stop thinking about my eye’s twitching…but here I am writing about it.

One of those WebMd-like websites confirmed what I already knew: that it is brought on by excessive fatigue or stress. It’s been going on (off and on) for about 24 hours now. I haven’t had this long of an eye twitch spell since one year ago when I had an internship with a non-profit production company headed by two terrible women.  They were purebred passive-aggressive bitches. 

Is that a Stump, or are you just happy to see me?

Is that a Stump, or are you just happy to see me?

One day, in the pouring rain, they sent me to fetch gluten-free cupcakes downtown.  That wasn’t why I quit, but it was the icing on the cupcake so to speak, and when I returned (sopping wet…like a dog?) I entered their office to speak my piece. On the way out I said, “Enjoy your cupcakes.” I’m not sure if they realized I didn’t mean it…

Anyway, the eye twitch is back. I think I’m just tired. I plan to sleep in tomorrow and wake up in time to see Ellen DeGeneres rip Jason Mesnick a new one. I, for some reason, am not all that outraged that he dumped Melissa and got with Molly five minutes later on national television, which must make me a bad person? Normal social/sexual mores just don’t apply in the world of “The Bachelor.” And whatever. Melissa annoyed me because she was all like, “I’m so close to being the happiest I’ve ever been. All I need is this man to put a diamond on my finger. Then and only then will I be truly happy.” NO! The only person responsible for your happiness is YOU, Melissa.

Now back to the whole what’s-wrong-with-me thing–lately celebrities keep showing up in my dreams.  Here’s what the Dream Moods dictionary has to say:

To see a celebrity in your dream, represents your beliefs and understanding about him or her. Something in you waking life has triggered these similar beliefs and feelings. It is not uncommon that your obsession with a certain celebrity may carry over onto your dream world. Celebrities are often seen as heroes and all that is mighty. Also consider any puns within the name.

To dream that you are having sex with a celebrity, indicates your drive to be successful. Consider what movies you associate this celebrity with or what makes this celebrity famous for clues as to where and what you want to achieve success in.

Here are three celebrities that I may or may not have had sex with in my dreams the past few nights:

Russell Brand.  Recently watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall--he has a lot of sex in the movie.  Also, keep seeing ads for his Comedy Central special.  Did not realize his hair is always like that.

Russell Brand. Recently watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall--he has a lot of sex in the movie. Also, keep seeing ads for his Comedy Central special. Did not realize his hair is always like that.

Gary Le Vox, lead singer of Rascal Flatts.  We didnt have sex, but he totally wanted to.

Gary Le Vox, lead singer of Rascal Flatts. We didn't have sex, but he totally wanted to.

Tom Brokaw.  What is the male equivalent of a cougar?

Tom Brokaw. What is the male equivalent of a "cougar"?

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Dear Jason Mesnick: Give Me Back My Feminist Soul. Hugs and kisses, Tom Cruise

Doesn't it look like every class picture you ever had taken? I always got that traditional blue background because it was the cheapest one. Meanwhile, the kids with money always had the purple swirls or the barn door in the background...

Oh man.  I just remembered that tonight is the finale of “The Bachelor.”  I’ll only be able to watch a half hour of Jason Mesnick before I have to go to work, but that’s all right.  Chris Harrison (the completely unnecessary host) spends the majority of the 2 hours recapping all the uninteresting things that have happened on the show, anyway. 

If you are a woman, you can literally feel the independent spirit leaving your body while you watch it.  It’s an amazing and horrible feeling.  Yet still I watch…

Other than that, it was a super busy weekend.  I’m still feeling a bit deer-in-headlights.  My dad’s retirement party was Friday night, so I got all jazzed up to hang out with military men and women I don’t know.  My two brothers kept leaving the banquet hall to hide out at the bar, and I kept offering to retrieve them in an effort to grab drinks of my own.  It was a good night, though.  My dad’s relationship with the military is far too complex for me to comment on, and my own feelings about the military as a result of his involvement…well, I’m still trying to figure those out. 

There was this funny/awkward/nice moment during the ceremony.  My dad’s boss calls my mom up to the stage.  And you can tell from her face that she’s thinking, “There’s no way I’m going up there.”  But then she does.  Because you can’t say no to militant  Type A personalities.  She’s presented with this award that’s basically like…thanks for putting up with all the bullshit involved in being married to a guy in the military for all these years.  Because if there are two things I’ve learned about the military…it’s not all Tom Cruise in aviators, and it’s also not men from gay pride websites in camo pants pouring canteen water over perfectly formed pectorals that flirt with the fake dog collars draped on their sternums. 

Oh, it’s also not this three and a half minute piece of propoganda that plays at the multiplex: