Tag Archives: woody allen

You know what pisses me off?

American Apparel. It’s bad enough that there is always a naked picture of a fifteen-year-old girl trying so, so hard to look sexy on the backs of The Village Voice and The Onion because of them. I don’t care if their schtick is making the clothes in Downtown LA.  Really.  I applaud their decision not to exploit overseas people to make the crappy clothes.  Still, that tidbit doesn’t excuse the fact that they exploit fawn-in-the-headlight girls to sell brightly colored bodysuits and micro-mesh minidresses.

Okay, okay. I’m kind of a fan of the male models on their website. I can stand for, and even pick up a few fashion tips from, effeminate men in tie dye:

But now this lawsuit with Woody Allen?  Why would they even put up a billboard featuring Woody Allen?  I think he’s right–their advertisements are sleazy, and if I were him I’d be angry enough to sue over being slathered above a boulevard with their name next to my face without my consent.  And regurgitating Woody’s scandal with Mia Farrow and Soon-Yi Previn?  Fuck you, American Apparel.  And an emphatic fuck you over this:

“It’s certainly relevant in assessing the value of an endorsement,” he (the company’s lawyer, Stuart Slotnick) said, noting that Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps lost endorsement power after a photograph surfaced of him using marijuana.

First of all, Mr. Slotnick, Woody didn’t want to give an endorsement. Secondly, that Michael Phelps thing happened last week.  Woody Allen’s scandal?  Before any of American Apparel’s models were breastfeeding. 

It’s kind of a mystery to me as to why I’m a fan of Woody Allen despite his…deeds.  I think the main reason is that he’s out of his mind.  He’s just bizarre.  And sometimes the only thing I’m in the mood for is a Woody Allen movie.  I can’t help it.  Most people think he could’ve helped falling in love with his adopted daughter, but who knows?  I don’t know, and I don’t feel like judging the man for it. I certainly don’t think all fathers should snap naked photos of their adopted daughter while they’re still living with her mother, but…you know. That kind of behavior is pretty much on par with what American Apparel does on a daily basis. Case in point:

Just what I need.  A mauve cotton spandex jersey tank thong.

Just what I need. A mauve cotton spandex jersey tank thong.

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No One Cares About Your Wrinkles Except You and The Corporate Bastards at Neutrogena, mmmk?

Maybe I have no business ranting about wrinkle cream seeing as I’m more on the pubescent side of life than the menopausal.  But nonetheless, I’m a woman, and it pains me to my estrogen-filled core when I see Diane Lane pimping out a bottle of this Neutrogena age-defying crap.  In her best spokeswoman voice, she purrs, “Use Neutrogena Anti-Wrinkle Intensive for just 4 weeks and it’s clinically-proven retinol formula will smooth even the deepest wrinkles. So choose: beautiful in the jar, or in the mirror?” 

The ad came on during my roommate’s soap earlier and I yelled, “We age, we die, accept it Neutro-fucking-gena!”  My roommate said something along the lines of One Life to Live is on, I could not care less about whatever you’re angry about.  Okay, she didn’t say anything along those lines.  But really.  These bottles are literally 2 ounces and cost upwards of 20 dollars.  A little poking around drugstore.com, you find that most of them are Out of Stock.  Great.  Now what do I do about my pesky laugh lines? 

I hate the Diane Lanes and Andie MacDowells of the world accepting gigs that make woman feel bad about the lack of elasticity in their skin and the abundance of gray in their hair.  Not that it’s completely their fault, but why can’t they be more like Mia Farrow and make documentaries about Darfur, instead? 

Speaking of Mia Farrow, she used to be married to Woody Allen, who used Diane Keaton in a film or two, who is another one of these mature actresses that I’m a little concerned for.  There is obviously a terrible lack of good roles for the mature actress when she accepts a role as Dax Shepard’s mother.  Not even Dax Shepard’s actual mother wants that role. 

Smother airs on Lifetime sometime this month, which must mean it’s pretty terrible since it was released at the end of September.  Dax Shepard is like a dirty blond Zach Braff or something.  It’s weird.  I loved him in Zathura: A Space Adventure, though.  Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed the Jumanji sequel.  It’s okay.  Jon Favreau directed it.

Big Burly Men and Stuff

Could I BE more excited for X-Men Origins: Wolverine?  No.  I really don’t think I could.  It comes out May 1, 2009, which is relatively soon, when you don’t think about it too much.  I’m so ecstatic that they’re making this movie because, first of all, X3 was a huge disappointment.  I went through this phase where I decided to purchase all of Hugh Jackman’s movies on DVD (I own Kate & Leopold, Swordfish, Someone Like You, X-Men, X2, and Oklahoma!), but I really have no urge to own that film.  It doesn’t do any justice to…anything.  Ellen Page is pretty cute in it, though.  Walking through walls and big, burly men and stuff.

Anyway, this trailer better not be more exciting than the final product:

Good job with the ending.  All trailers should end with someone threatening to cut off Liev Schreiber’s head. 

I also think it’s hilarious that IMDb lists Ryan Reynolds in the cast.  Not to get all six-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon, but Hugh Jackman was in Woody Allen’s Scoop with Woody’s much-used Scarlett Johansson who just married Ryan Reynolds who used to be involved with Alanis Morissette who played God in Dogma.  That’s enough.  I just wanted to mention Alanis because it would be the best Christmas present ever if she started writing angry songs again that are good.  And this time they would be about Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett instead of Uncle Joey and whoever’s back he was scratching his nails down.

Of course he's an asshole--his last name is French. (Mine is, too.)

A Hot Mess of a Blog Post

So, I took 1970’s Love Story out of the library today because…I try not to admit this, but…sometimes I’m a girl.  I know, it’s crazy.   

Anyway, it just has me really depressed. Because first of all, it’s really dramatic. And also, Ryan O’Neal looks exactly like John McCain.  Not John McCain now, obviously, but this John McCain:

 

 

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I need to push John McCain out of my mind. Then again, it’s not like two blog posts ago was a poem about him or that he’s ended up in my dreams. I think he just really scares the shit out of me, so it’s better to let it out. No use being a repressed asshole.

I also took out Annie Hall. I’m just really in the mood for neurotic right now.  I know Woody Allen is kind of a crazy dude, but I really like him. Not in a sexual way, but in the same way I like pigeons.  

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve decided “Never Have I Ever” is the worst game ever.  I was at a party and this dude starts the bar at, “Never have I ever had sex on acid.”  What??  He proceeded to say that there was nothing else he hadn’t done.  He was wearing a shirt that said “I Heart Hot Moms.”  One of those crappy ones you get at Old Navy on clearance for $5, or you buy it at full price and you’re even more of an ass.  Anyway, I wanted to get angry so I asked him about his experiences with hot moms, he told me, and yeah.  Nothing wrong with being proud of yourself for getting laid, but…have some class.  This guy didn’t.  Plus there were only two girls at this party so the machismo was just way too much to handle.  Gay jokes were flying everywhere, you couldn’t say two words without someone yelling out “That’s what she said!”, and yeah.  I had to lash out at someone, so that was that.  Sometimes I feel like more of a man than the dudes I encounter.  Okay, most of the time.  Is that weird to say?  I don’t care.

Oh, Wristcutters: A Love Story is a really good movie.  It’s about suicide and the afterlife and what could be more romantic than that?  And Tom Waits is in it!  Bizarre.