A lot of things are making me angry lately. I don’t mind that. They say anger can be a really great emotion: you’re angry, you figure why, and you do something about it.
But it’s that last step that I’m having trouble with. I know the things that are making me angry, and I know why, but I can’t figure out how to effectively channel that into action. Instead, I’m just left with the anger and the added frustration of feeling like I can’t do anything about it all.
I woke up just now at 4 p.m. Not from a nap, but from a full’s night’s sleep. That’s because my job sent me an e-mail giving me three days’ notice that they’d need me to temporarily work the overnight shift. The full 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. shift.
That’s bullshit and I’m angry about it. But really it’s just another thing in a looooong list of things they’ve done that’s made me realize: They don’t care about me at all. They smile and say all these vague managerial things: “I’ll bring this up with corporate,” “Protocol,” “Blah blah blah.”
I’ve become terrified of certain managers. They’re so entrenched in that corporate lingo, and customer service lingo, that I really think they’ve forgotten how to be a decent human being. How to be a human being at all, really.
I didn’t mean to mention all that…but that is the main thing I’m angry about. When you’re that angry about your job situation, one thing you can do to channel that anger is look for another job. Which I’ve done a little bit. But the one interview I’ve gone on so far? Made me super angry!
The interview was days ago now. And I’d been feeling strange about it for days, but I hadn’t been able to sort out all of the reasons why. When I woke up just now, though, something occurred to me.
My interviewer, at one point, asked me something along the lines of, “So, would you be able to handle it when people are rude to you or disrespectful? Because you just seem like a very sweet person.”
I wasn’t sure exactly how to answer that question at the time. I wanted to say, “Well, yeah, I’m a sweet person. But what does that have to do with being able to handle things?”
And I think that’s just it. It makes me angry that she implied that a sweet disposition is an indicator of a weak person. It’s not. I am a sweet person, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not a strong person, too.
I think what’s really making me angry lately, when it gets down to the core, is realizing how much power and control a job, a boss, a work schedule can have over a person. My life has been turned upside down because of the job I have right now. I am a sweet person. But walking out of work (at 7:30 a.m. because the person relieving me showed up a half hour late even though he lives two blocks away), I said to myself, out loud, “This job is making me an angry person. It’s making me negative and jaded and it’s making me lose hope in humanity and my life.”
I know! It’s dramatic. But it’s absolutely how I feel. I don’t want to lose my idealism and optimism. I’m a romantic and a dreamer and I firmly believe that you should do what you’re passionate about in life–because that’s when you’ll be at your best. I’ve been trying so hard to follow what I’m passionate about in life, but sometimes it’s not that easy. Sometimes finding direction and knowing what the right steps are to take is the most difficult thing. The signs just don’t come.
So you take a job you’re not excited about because you have to pay the bills, you have to feed yourself.
Anyway, I am angry. But as of right now I’m still hopeful. Even though I don’t have a clue what should be done.
Madame Librarian's Blog 