(Arch-nemesis Malignant Girl sold separately)

My mom is visiting me this weekend.  She’s a great guest to have because rather than do “exciting” things in the city like try to get in that hot new club, or score tickets to Cats, we’ve been doing things like drink too much white zinfandel and shop at my neighborhood 99 Cent Store.

I didn’t buy this 99 cent beauty, but I did take a photo of it and think of how to best frame it to produce an interesting social commentary on my blog:

Benign Girl should feel fortunate after reading this quote from Cancer.gov:

Numerous studies have investigated the relationship between cellular telephone use and the risk of developing malignant and benign brain tumors, but results from long-term studies are still limited.

Several studies have investigated the risk of developing three types of brain tumors: Glioma, meningioma, and acoustic neuroma. Results from the majority of these studies have found no association between hand-held cellular telephone use and the risk of brain cancer; however, some, but not all, long-term studies have suggested slightly increased risks for certain types of brain tumors. Further evaluation of long-term exposures (more than 10 years) is needed.

On a related note, as I was leaving said 99 Cent Store, I got accused of stealing a notebook. But I yelled, “No, it’s mine!” and the man believed me.

Have Your Cake and Have Your Way With It, Too.

I’m gearing up for a joint birthday party tomorrow night.  Mine and my arborist friend’s, to be specific.  It’s not really a party.  It’s just me at the bar I always go to joined by more people I know than usual. 

Today I visited the 99 Cent store next to the strip club in my neighborhood.  Stocked up on balloons and streamers.  Now I just need an embarrassing cake.  Ideally I would like this one:

That thing is pimp, right?  Hershey Kisses on the bottom.  Ivy made out of GUMMIES?  Genius.

Speaking of genius:

Yes. Yes, I would like a piece of that.

This one, though, takes the figurative and literal cake:

TOM SELLECK!!!!!

And this would be the last resort:

And so this is Christmas…

Faith Hill’s new Christmas song is on the radio every time I go to the laundromat.  It’s called “A Baby Changes Everything,” and it’s all about Mary and the Immaculate Conception and her and Joseph’s trek to the manger. 

Teenage girl, much too young
Unprepared for what’s to come
A baby changes everything
…
The man she loves she’s never touched
How will she keep his trust?
A baby changes everything

My original intention was to criticize “A Baby Changes Everything.”  Okay, that’s still the intent, but just for the record, I do feel a little guilty about it.  This is, after all, the Biblical event that serves as the excuse for us to have drunken holiday parties, buy stuff we can’t afford, receive stuff other people couldn’t afford, drink limited time festive lattes at Starbuck’s, etc, etc.  Blatant Christian messages are just jarring for the ears, even for my ears that were raised on the stuff. 

Anyway, while Faith’s song doesn’t particularly put me in the holiday spirit in the same way that, say, Wham!’s “Last Christmas” (Faith Hill is almost as beautiful as George Michael), and it doesn’t get stuck in my head while at the same time making me terribly sad like John Lennon’s “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)”…it might convince teenage girls to practice abstinence.  Or, they might just think (especially if they’ve received an abstinence-only “education”), fuck it…Joe the future Plumber (or carpenter, whatever) is going to think I’m a whore if I don’t let him touch me and just my luck something immaculate goes and happens. 

The whole nativity thing really is a nice story, though.  I love those Three Wise Men.  I went as one of them to a Halloween party this year along with two friends and I taped a sign that said “I went to Bethlehem and all I got was this stupid t-shirt” to my t-shirt.  That was my favorite part.  Along with the fake beards and the blow-up camels pinned to our crotches.  Actually, we couldn’t find camels so we used blow-up giraffes from the 99 cent store next to the strip club. 

But I really am in the holiday spirit this year.  Or maybe not the holiday spirit, per se.  I’m happy and it happens to be the holidays, so yeah.  And a snowstorm is hitting here at 9am, which is almost as exciting as being impregnated by God.  (Even if I’m sleeping until 3pm these days and will miss the first round of it.)

Googling God is fun! (The blog I got this from might not appreciate my using it. But, hey, it's Christmas!)