So Michael Vick, Dwayne Johnson, and Ryan Seacrest Walk Into a Bar…

Note: T0 be determined prize being offered to whoever writes the best ending to the joke started in the title.

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Well, because I just had to design my own “sea kitten” on PETA’s website, and then I just had to e-mail it to myself…I’m now on PETA’s mailing list.  Which is fine.  Who wouldn’t want to stay in the know about the latest in the Michael Vick dog fighting scandal goings-on?

Speaking of burly men, I only caught the first five minutes or so of the Grammy’s earlier, but as I may or may not have revealed, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is okay by me (in spite of his big muscles).  He gave a dramatic rendering of the lyrics to Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl (And I Liked It)” that was truly inspiring.  Call me crazy, but I think the guy’s got talent and charisma.  Who else can make ridiculous children’s movies and maintain his dignity?  (Not Vin Diesel…)

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My roommate starts a new job tomorrow!!  I’m very proud.  And I’m tired of the writers of “Desperate Housewives” using the bad economy as inspiration for a plotline, so I take it as a step in the right direction.  Life reflects art, or however the saying goes.

There's absolutely no reason for this image to be here, except that "Desperate Housewives" made me think Teri Hatcher which made me think of that five minutes she hooked up with Seacrest. Sorry.

Walking home from work a little while ago, two noteworthy things happened:

1. I learned that the frontman of Spin Doctors is playing a gig in my neighborhood with his current band.
2. A man smoking marijuana said hello to me as we passed each other on the 12am sidewalk.  After a few paces he asked if I wanted to join him.

Conclusions:

1. I should attend said gig.
2. I should stop recklessly walking the streets late at night.

P.S. Since this is my blog and I can cry if I want to…today I also concluded that I’m not as mature as I thought and it’s a pretty low feeling.  I could blame it on things like alcohol, the cold weather, or various hormones, but I am an adult.  And I didn’t act like one.

Did that sound like a LiveJournal entry or what?

Is Laura Bush Actually Dick Clark In Drag? (And Other Burning Questions)

A friend of mine did that thing today that all socially conscious people find themselves doing this time of year–inquiring about New Year’s plans.  It’s kind of that default question that you end up formulating a default answer to because it is, after all, slightly more exciting than the whole “How about this weather?” “It’s unseasonably mild and I’m awfully concerned about those polar bears” thing. 

So that friend of mine.  We had the default New Year’s Q&A session.  He asked, and I told him, “I’m working.”  Because that’s the truth.  And without skipping a beat, he said, “You will be working all year.”  I said, “What?!”  (Because this is a terrifying declaration).  He said (in a tone offering no glimmer of refutable hope), “You won’t stop working.  All year.” 

AHHHHH!!!

My friend, it seems, was referring to that idea that what you do on New Year’s sets the tone for the year, it sends your intentions out to the universe, who/which, in turn, sends those intentions right back to you.  Or something. 

Well, I’m a little distraught over this.  More than a little–I’m blogging about it at 5am.  The thing is, I’m highly impressionable.  I’ll hear someone mention a superstition and it will stay with me.  For years.  One of my roommates once told me that any time we walked on opposite sides of a large metal object we had to say “Hello” to each other or we would get in a fight.  And we had to say “Hello” in Russian.  Because it was a Russian superstition.  From my Russian roommate. 

But here’s my plan.  I’m not calling out of work because I get paid double for that shift.  Instead, I’m going to go to CVS, get my passport photo taken, and bring those to work with me.  Dear universe, my intent for 2009 is to travel, okay?  I hear there are actually some countries that are not war-torn at the moment, so the prospects are limited but exciting nonetheless.  Thank you kindly.

This passport thing is a whole ‘nother ranting post just waiting to happen.  Why do we need documentation to travel our own damn planet?  Why do we go to the drug store to get photos taken ($6.99+tax) and then the post office to fill out an application that must be witnessed that takes, like, 3 years for them to approve and send to you?  (Not that I know, I haven’t done it.)  And it costs an additional $100.  You can’t even get into Canada without a passport now.  What is the world coming to?

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Speaking of Laura Bush, she made a statement on the shoe throwing incident and told whoever took the time to listen to her that she “wasn’t amused.”  As someone who misleadingly presents themselves as a current librarian when really she only entertains the occasional thought of becoming one in the future…I feel a strange bond with this former librarian.  And here’s what I think: she’s a liar.  If someone throws their shoes at your husband you laugh.  Slapstick comedy 101, no?  Whatever.  She’s terrifying.  I never spoke of her to begin with.

Another Contributor to Chronic Depression and Boyish Giggle Fits

I really don’t want to talk about Ryan Seacrest, except to ask, who is letting him create all these crappy reality television series that are contributing to the downfall of society and WHY?  Who knew that he’d rise from co-host of American Idol with Brian Dunkleman to this uncontrollable executive producer of soul-rotting reality television??  I mean, I love Keeping Up With The Kardashians as much as the next girl, (Where else can you turn for answers about what to do when your mom accidentally distributes a naughty calendar meant for Reggie Bush to all the local newsstands?  That episode helped me in profound ways.) but when will it stop??

The one thing that redeems Keeping Up With The Kardashians (slightly) is Bruce Jenner.  I especially like his silly plastic surgery face and how he flees the house every chance he gets to play golf.  But then again, any man that is responsible for producing Brody Jenner has some explaining to do. 

 

Brody Jenner, thanks to his appearances on The Hills, is getting his own competition-based reality show on MTV called “Bromance.”  Basically…pathetic, materialistic, unhappy young men compete to take Spencer Pratt’s place in Jenner’s posse of pathetic, materialistic, unhappy young men who are soon-to-be off everyone’s Hollywood radar.  But until then, the ratings will afford Seacrest infinite lifetimes worth of teeth whitening treatments:

It reminds me of the beginning of Clueless, except that it’s “reality.”  I like how Lauren Conrad shows up to ask, “One night stands.  What’s your opinion of them?”  Cue boyish giggle fit!  I also like when Brody goes, “Who knew guys cry this much?”  Maybe they’re crying because it’s a sad day when young men aspire to be one of your bros.  When Frankie, a current Brody bro, showed up on an episode The Kardashians  he taped the two youngest girls (age 13 and 11) POLE DANCING.   

Anyway, the only silver lining I see in all this is more material for The Soup.