You know what pisses me off?

American Apparel. It’s bad enough that there is always a naked picture of a fifteen-year-old girl trying so, so hard to look sexy on the backs of The Village Voice and The Onion because of them. I don’t care if their schtick is making the clothes in Downtown LA.  Really.  I applaud their decision not to exploit overseas people to make the crappy clothes.  Still, that tidbit doesn’t excuse the fact that they exploit fawn-in-the-headlight girls to sell brightly colored bodysuits and micro-mesh minidresses.

Okay, okay. I’m kind of a fan of the male models on their website. I can stand for, and even pick up a few fashion tips from, effeminate men in tie dye:

But now this lawsuit with Woody Allen?  Why would they even put up a billboard featuring Woody Allen?  I think he’s right–their advertisements are sleazy, and if I were him I’d be angry enough to sue over being slathered above a boulevard with their name next to my face without my consent.  And regurgitating Woody’s scandal with Mia Farrow and Soon-Yi Previn?  Fuck you, American Apparel.  And an emphatic fuck you over this:

“It’s certainly relevant in assessing the value of an endorsement,” he (the company’s lawyer, Stuart Slotnick) said, noting that Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps lost endorsement power after a photograph surfaced of him using marijuana.

First of all, Mr. Slotnick, Woody didn’t want to give an endorsement. Secondly, that Michael Phelps thing happened last week.  Woody Allen’s scandal?  Before any of American Apparel’s models were breastfeeding. 

It’s kind of a mystery to me as to why I’m a fan of Woody Allen despite his…deeds.  I think the main reason is that he’s out of his mind.  He’s just bizarre.  And sometimes the only thing I’m in the mood for is a Woody Allen movie.  I can’t help it.  Most people think he could’ve helped falling in love with his adopted daughter, but who knows?  I don’t know, and I don’t feel like judging the man for it. I certainly don’t think all fathers should snap naked photos of their adopted daughter while they’re still living with her mother, but…you know. That kind of behavior is pretty much on par with what American Apparel does on a daily basis. Case in point:

Just what I need. A mauve cotton spandex jersey tank thong.

No One Cares About Your Wrinkles Except You and The Corporate Bastards at Neutrogena, mmmk?

Maybe I have no business ranting about wrinkle cream seeing as I’m more on the pubescent side of life than the menopausal.  But nonetheless, I’m a woman, and it pains me to my estrogen-filled core when I see Diane Lane pimping out a bottle of this Neutrogena age-defying crap.  In her best spokeswoman voice, she purrs, “Use Neutrogena Anti-Wrinkle Intensive for just 4 weeks and it’s clinically-proven retinol formula will smooth even the deepest wrinkles. So choose: beautiful in the jar, or in the mirror?” 

The ad came on during my roommate’s soap earlier and I yelled, “We age, we die, accept it Neutro-fucking-gena!”  My roommate said something along the lines of One Life to Live is on, I could not care less about whatever you’re angry about.  Okay, she didn’t say anything along those lines.  But really.  These bottles are literally 2 ounces and cost upwards of 20 dollars.  A little poking around drugstore.com, you find that most of them are Out of Stock.  Great.  Now what do I do about my pesky laugh lines? 

I hate the Diane Lanes and Andie MacDowells of the world accepting gigs that make woman feel bad about the lack of elasticity in their skin and the abundance of gray in their hair.  Not that it’s completely their fault, but why can’t they be more like Mia Farrow and make documentaries about Darfur, instead? 

Speaking of Mia Farrow, she used to be married to Woody Allen, who used Diane Keaton in a film or two, who is another one of these mature actresses that I’m a little concerned for.  There is obviously a terrible lack of good roles for the mature actress when she accepts a role as Dax Shepard’s mother.  Not even Dax Shepard’s actual mother wants that role. 

Smother airs on Lifetime sometime this month, which must mean it’s pretty terrible since it was released at the end of September.  Dax Shepard is like a dirty blond Zach Braff or something.  It’s weird.  I loved him in Zathura: A Space Adventure, though.  Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed the Jumanji sequel.  It’s okay.  Jon Favreau directed it.